Tuesday, July 10, 2007

This is something I wrote some time ago but did not publish maybe because it is a bit too personal. But like most of the times I don't really care much anyways. Also there is the unwritten rule that I follow of publishing my thoughts hence I will publish this. If I feel like it I'll add to it. Just maybe. It is rather sardonic. Whatever that means. I was way too smoked when I first wrote this and I am in that vicinity right now so it doesn't really matter. Why do I write a blog that no one reads? I think because that it is the proof of the fact that I once existed. I hope what I write survives long after I am dead. Why do I have these thoughts anyways? For once I wish I was just having normal teenage thoughts and not such stuff. But I guess this is the price you pay for solitary confinement. Right now where I am there is no one else. Okay not totally true. This is iTech after all. Like iPod and iPhone see. But really there is no one on my whole frigging floor. There are 15 vacant rooms but nothing else. Since I am no great fan of the teaching system I am hardly ever in the Lecture Hall that means I am in here 24x7. So Vikram does have the room next to me. But he is almost never here. He works too hard I think. I am jealous. I have nothing to take my mind off from my thoughts. After all your thoughts never leave you alone now. After reading this I as well as you will realize that I have great faith in God. But frankly I am not religious. So that is just one of the contradictions I have been living with. Thankfully I have the anthropic principle to save the day.
Anthropic principle is wonderful. Also just like ice cream it comes in many flavors. I prefer the strong anthropic principle. From my understanding it means that the universe exists because I do. Though it generally means that a universe must exist because there is someone who can observe it and think about it all the same.
Anyways by now everyone would be wondering what is it now?
Well endsems are just round the corner(aren't they always lurking in shadows and hoping to catch you unaware and succeeding every frigging time. GOD HOW I HATE THEM).
For alas thats not all in my woebegone life. I also have received an Academic Warning for ahem poor academic performance. So i have to sign this undertaking which isn't really long but a point is noteworthy that I'll reproduce verbatim....
" and also refrain from any extra-curricular activity or activities that tend to distract from this purpose."
With this academic warning I have almost completed the Grand Slam of woes that you can win here at your stay in IITK. The others being academic probation and termination of academic pogrom... I meant program. I only missed the Disciplinary Probation which is lovingly referred to as DP. I think I can't win that one, being by nature meek and non-violent friends tend to call me lazy, if only they understood.
Anyways I don't really comprehend the extracurricular activities bit. Am I allowed to eat in a canteen? Am I allowed to talk to my friends? Am I allowed to breathe? Surely none of these activities do any good to my curricula. Can I post on this blog? Orkut has been banned. So how am I supposed to keep in touch with my friends from ages past?
Shit I hate them dastard Nazis all of them. Why aren't our professors put on some type of warning if they teach bad or do no research whatsoever. Instead they win shiny new awards everyday. I've had enough with this place. Somehow I'll survive. I hope.
Anyways here is what I wrote sometime ago. Beware at some places I sound like an old frigid catholic nun.

How God Feels and other musings:

There are times when I feel abandoned by God. Like I am unsheltered, vulnerable and lonely, I wish there was a single word to describe the feeling. Right now there are like a million insects in my room and they serve absolutely no purpose in calming my soul.
I am trying to think but I just can't concentrate on a single thought for any length of time. It is a very frustrating feeling. I want to think something good, anything. But the thoughts are just not there. Maybe its because of the quiz that I have tomorrow, for which I have absolutely not prepared. I don't care and its not the point anyways.
There are just so many thoughts flitting around in my head from the mundane to the romantic I don't know which to concentrate on.
That got me thinking. Funny how I do that.
Maybe its the same with God. It maybe isn't the case that he has abandoned me. Maybe, he has so much to take care of, and we can all agree that it sure is quite a lot that even he is confused at the moment. Maybe he just doesn't have the time to pay attention on me right now.
Maybe he is just caught up in the moment at hand, maybe creating a supernova(which must be a very beautiful sight to see from up close) and witnessing the miracle happen that he has forgotten about me. Which is just as well because even if I die, I am just a human, one who probably would be forgotten promptly anyways once he is no more. I am not being critical, its just that memories fade. It is the way of the world.
Just because I don't want to accept it doesn't mean it won't happen. After all how long is my expectancy? A passing moment in his eyes.
Yet I don't hate him. I miss him. His guiding hand. The serenity of being in his care.
I guess that makes me lonely. That also makes me miss my girlfriend. Though it is still a manner of speaking I guess. I miss my family. I miss my friends. Okay went a bit overboard there.
Somehow I don't really care for friends. I think that they are expendable. New ones always replace the company you had previously. Maybe this is a result of being in a family that keeps getting frequent transfers and the fact that I changed so many schools. Don't get me wrong, I tend to mix very easily when I want. Especially so till a few years back.
It is easy for me to establish friendships but very excruciating to maintain anything in the long run.
Well now my head has settled a bit. I have thought some stuff, if only briefly.
What can I say, maybe I am too much of an attention craver after all.
I get so lonely that even my soul feels cold. That makes me reject the people around me who care for me. I can be a real ass I think. I end up causing everyone so much pain.
The light at the end of the tunnel. There is. Maybe.
Should I publish this? Maybe, not that it matters... only I read my blog after all. I wonder why I put so much effort into it. I also wonder why don't I don't do this all the time.
I suffer from education is my conclusion. Nothing good has come out yet so far out of my quest for higher education. I feel stifled and choked here. I know rather remember that I praised this place. I still do so sporadically.
But mostly I am just pissed with where I am and what I am doing right now. I am a failure in all aspects.
The funny thing is despite comprehending this I still manage to be cheerful. It is because of a single belief that I have. That has only solidified with the passage of time.
"This too will pass." It is probably my motto. The only reason why I can smile at the monitor while typing drivel.
I believe rather that I would prefer to be left alone with my thoughts only. They are like the only best friend I have always had. Even so they tend to get on my nerves. Right now my head is on fire with pain. I don't know what to do and have no intention of doing anything whatsoever.
Despite I am dragged in a world of competition with all the jungle rules of perish or evolve and stuff.
I don't know. There is a haze beyond which my vision of the future is clouded and distorted. I don't know what I want from life either.

The pain in my head is growing, can't take anymore o f it. I need to sleep. Sometimes I don't wanna wake up. But it would be too lame to leave without leaving behind some sort of proof that I existed. The problem is I don't know what to write when the moment comes.
God I ned you. Guide me please. Some sign. Any sign.
I am willing to make amends if you show me the way.
So please please help me out. I am your people who are dying everywhere and they are in pain. Help me.
Please.

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Oh and update, I do miss my friends. At least now in this place. I really wouldn't have survived for three years here had it not been for them. Frankly. So this post is mostly drivel. I hope no one gets offended. But then no one will read this so I guess it'll be alright.

3 comments:

basit said...

i manged to ransom pagaria into reading this :)

'~-)Sandman(-~' said...

well, you are so insanely sure that nobody will read your blog, that I was half unsure whether I should comment here or not :D

But about the world existing only because we do, I agree...
I mean, we find cartoons funny. They have anthropomorphic animals running beyond a cliff, and running some 100 meters before realizing that they are running in thin air, and when they do realize, then they fall...

Life's like that. Look at the company we spend time with from dusk to dawn. They exisst as long as we are paying attention...but when we dont, they disappear. and then they reappear when we wake up from our stupor. One day, they might be replaced by fresh meat (ahem)

Yeah, and about the frigid catholic nun, you forgot to add certain attributes.

"Frigid catholic nun in spotless white with parched lips putting her dentures in a glass"

hehe

basit said...

actually when i wrote the article there was actually no one reading my blog.... but now i seem to be catering to a niche audience :P

and thanks for agreeing to my views i hereby endorse all your viewpoints even the more perverted ones tht i don't want to know about :P

well i am an agnostic but still i guess i like believing that god exists....