Saturday, June 03, 2006

Me Dad

When I last saw me dad, he was crying. He told me. Now here we are and he is no more. I guess the question for me isn't whether or not was he a good man, but did I love him? I think I do... and thus he began telling me a tale ever bit as incredible as any I ever heard.
It was a long time ago...
Dad, I can't do this. I can't marry her.
But son we all did that, didn't we all have our own love stories, we were all attracted to someone or the other... but then we did what our parents told us. You are a fine young man it is but natural that you'll be attracted to people of other sex. But that isn't reason enough to become a rebel....
The son thought for some time, Dad it ain't that simple, his dad laughed c'mon son, how hard could it be, we all have been through this phase of life, tell me about it...
He pondered over what he was about to say, then he began, Dad I think you won't understand but I'll still take a chance after all you're my father how hard could that be. Dad that thing about attraction well I am, but it isn't all that simple, actually, the thing is, I am not attracted to any girl, I am attracted to other guys...
His father was suddenly stern, what did you say right now? See dad hadn't I told you that you won't understand? But this is the fact I did not like any of the girls you folks set me up with, I have never felt sexual attraction of any kind for any woman, ever. I am attracted to other guys.
The father seemed to be at a loss to understand anything, but you have always been surrounded by girls many girls. He smiled they were friends Dad. All of them. They were all about other guys, and if a guy was attracted to them I would give them the occasional tip, and so on. They were good friends dad. Most still are.
Well... I... I don't understand, son I read that people who are molested in their childhood become homosexuals when they grow up, if I ever, I am sorry.
Don't be ridiculous dad, you are the best dad a guy could hope for. That is just a rumor, and you've always been perfect for me.
Homosexuals get AIDS, another misconception, AIDS isn't a divine recrimination for people who are promiscuous, promiscuousness may increase chances of getting AIDS that's all.
But this thing about getting attracted to another guy, I don't understand perhaps you could explain...
I don't claim to be an expert but I'll try me best to explain as well as I can.
I don't think that attraction for a guy is any different from attraction for a girl.
But dad asked, see a guy and a girl they fulfill a purpose, they can procreate, continue their bloodlines... but this is unnatural, this is wrong no religion considers it right, it is a criminal offense in many countries....
It is considered to be a kind of mental illness.
Had sexuality of this kind been common it would have been in the rest of the world too, I think it is just a media propaganda... of some kind.
Well I'll tell you what I know. First homosexuality has been around, as long as for ever... it is definitely not a mental illness, that is just a dark ages propaganda, just like the witch-hunting of middle ages.
Only the three Semitic religions have openly spoken out against it that is Jews, Christians and Muslims, then again their books hardly say anything, homosexuality was called a sin by the religious guy but then they were sure that earth is at the center of the universe, most still are...
About animals, well generally homosexuality has been noticed generally in higher animals,but the animals displaying significant homosexual behavior are penguins(who are known to mate for life and make nests, and rear rocks) , dolphins, higher primates, all kinds of cattle, sheep and of course humans.
Homosexuality was practiced by armies of Greece, who believed that a man will fight better if the men fighting alongside him are the one he loved. Homosexual love has been described in the Bible, know David? The one who killed Goliath with a stone. Well there's the story of David and Johnathan who was the son of Saul King of Israel, whose daughter David married, the David who later became the King David father of King Solomon.
Attraction is abstract, it is independent. It doesn't care.
If you ask me why am I attracted to a guy and not a girl, well I have no answers?
But then why is anyone attracted to anybody else? I agree it could just be a sexual infatuation, but who decided that a man can only love a woman and vice versa? We have the choice to ourselves, who to love and whom to care is not and should not be decided by anyone else. It makes me sick, the amount of persecution that we have to face just because we make such a simple choice, why couldn't people try and understand?
Dad then said, Son I think that people have this tendency, that every one should be like them, especially when I look at you I think you should be the way I was and my parents before....
But Dad no one is anyone else. Ain't that true. Gibran said “your children are not your children.”
But I still don't understand.
Dad let me explain. A guy sees a girl, and gets attracted to her. Now how does that happen? When a person is attracted to someone else sexually what does it mean?
Many perfectly “straight” people are opposed to the very idea of their females being the active partner in a sexual session, but there are other who will role-play and try bondage with straitjackets, handcuffs etc. Many people swap partners, have orgies while others are true to each till the very end.
What decides that monogamous love with the female as the passive partner is the only noble love and others are just wrong?
So what do these difference mean? Well for one we are all different, we are not equal, we are not a crowd, Hell we aren't even We. We are all unique, hence we are individuals.
But that is a topic for a different time.
What I mean is that it definitely is not wrong to be attracted to anybody, its a person's own choice, totally, completely.
It is unnatural, it is not wrong, it is not a disease, it definitely is not a crime, its been around for ages (well almost as long as Eve ate that apple and gave in to her temptation(like its such a hot fuss to get tempted!))
and if we don't give a damn wonder why the rest of the world does?
His father looked deep in anguish, as if hurt deeply.
Then controlling himself, he said with some difficulty though, I ... never loved your mother. She was a good wife to me, loved me, cared for my kid, and was faithful, she was an angel, but I never loved her. We tried but I hardly felt any sexual attraction for her all my life. We hardly had ever made love, and she was still faithful. I cared for her, but like a friend, and now you've inherited my condition, the same disease as me, I am sorry son, I know even God will never forgive me for the way I rejected the love of my wife. But I just couldn't, I tried, we tried, nothing worked, how many candle-light dinners we had it never sorted itself out. I am sorry son, I am very very sorry, I am your culprit. I am sorry.
Dad, dad stop, he held his dad's hand. Stop it now, stop it now. I want you to listen to me, very carefully, listen to me DAD YOU DON'T HAVE A DISEASE, IT'S NOT A DISEASE. Its a simple choice. Dad tell me how do you like your eggs? Hard-boiled. I like them poached. Its a choice, as simple as that, now do I cry that I don't like omelletes like everyone else? Do you? Its just a choice.
Its just a choice? His dad said. You know my dad called me queer, locked me in my room, then in the basement. He beat me up everyday, even my mother stopped talking to me. I ... was branded, by my dad. Came from work, drunk, came into my room, with this burning iron-poker in this hand, he beat me with it.
I had to say yes, I had no choice.
Dad, its there in the past, gone. Its over. Its gone. Its no more.
I loved my dad, I was so sorry to let him down. Dad, hey dad. Its okay. He could be forgiven? Maybe, said my dad.
Give me an argument, please, I need one.
Okay will do, do you know Oscar Wilde, famous playwright? Yes, suppose so. Well he was a homosexual. So he was tried and I remember this dialog, that took place then.
There was this man C.F.Gill who was examining him in the trial.
Gill: What is "the love that dares not speak its name?"

Wilde: "The love that dares not speak its name" in this century is such a great affection of an elder for a younger man as there was between David and Jonathan, such as Plato made the very basis of his philosophy, and such as you find in the sonnets of Michelangelo and Shakespeare. It is that deep spiritual affection that is as pure as it is perfect. It dictates and pervades great works of art, like those of Shakespeare and Michelangelo, and those two letters of mine, such as they are. It is in this century misunderstood, so much misunderstood that it may be described as 'the love that dares not speak its name', and on that account of it I am placed where I am now. It is beautiful, it is fine, it is the noblest form of affection. There is nothing unnatural about it. It is intellectual, and it repeatedly exists between an older and a younger man, when the older man has intellect, and the younger man has all the joy, hope and glamour of life before him. That it should be so, the world does not understand. The world mocks at it, and sometimes puts one in the pillory for it."
Dad its okay.
His father, was now crying inconsolably, son, could you do something for me?
Anything dad, sure, anything. Whatever you want. He smiled as he said this. Anything.
Son... please kiss me as if you mean to...

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Three Sides of A Coin

The two sides of a coin... the same yet so different.
So I asked myself again, should I do it or not? A little voice awoke inside me and said well you'll fail anyways... and then there awoke another voice, of reason saying, wtf is the point anyways? For future reference lets call them Sad and Skeptic respectively.
So anyways one fine day, Sad and Skeptic were staring into the void. You know maybe we could at least get out of the bed, yeah totally but whats the point? Skeptic said.
We could do something new like go fishing or learn how to swim hell even do a few assignments, said a new voice. They both turned, and... there was a new kid in town, lets call him Upbeat, or you can totally call him NKIT and he surely won't mind.
Are you lost, questioned Skeptic or maybe sick, offered Sick.
No I am new in these parts, he replied.
So are we getting up or not? He asked cheerfully? Up! Dued Why would we wanna get up? Well its a new day. It would only bring more sorrows, so its a lot better if I remain in bed, maybe the day would just, you know pass and the next will come. So, okay what will we do when the next day comes? Would you just let it pass you by? NKIT asked, Skeptic looked at Sad unbelievingly, rolled his eyes and said, well dude obviously the next day will come again! Till we die, said Sad mournfully.
What if, and here Upbeat took a divinely long pause, you never die? Well then all the more better, figure I don't have to get up to eat or drink, said Skeptic skeptically(how else?). No you misunderstand me said Upbeat, what if I tell you that you're never gonna die? That sure did make lotsa folks happy, he continued....
At this point Sad interjected, I would be old and alone and have this huge beard, there would be humans on the planet because they'll will leave for intergalactic travel, and I'll be alone lying on a bed what will I do then? Not that I am very proud of it, but let me tell you said Skeptic I would be right here on this bed lying with you. Now at this point NKIT tried to say something but Skeptic said, dude did you not hear that one about how twos a company threes a crowd?
Hey relax guys I am only here to help you.
And the glass is half full? Questioned Skeptic.
Okay guys trust me just this once. Get out of this bed and move around and move around a bit and I'll leave if you think I made no difference. Skeptic looked at Sad, They got out of the bed and dove right back in. Bye Bye said Sad live us with our miserable lives... why do you worry anyways? Yeah Good bye Hope I never see you again. But I shouldn't get my hopes up.
Anyways Upbeat finally got them up dressed and moving, they stepped on the threshold and the sun's rays fell on them. Holy Son of... screamed Skeptic it burns!!!!! Maybe we'll all get Skin Cancer and die painful deaths Sad said miserably. Maybe Upbeat would be burned by the Sun.
So after lotsa deliberations they finally headed out, debating amongst themselves. Where do we go on now? Lets go where our hearts take us! Upbeat said gleefully. He's nuts, commented Skeptic. So anyways the Heart was asked where he wanted to go. He said something but it was not very clear, people anyways find it hard to listen to their hearts anyways. So they randomly wandered for some time and just about the time they were about to head back to the comfort of the bed............. Excuse me, they turned.
The source of this commotion was a Pretty Young Thing whom we can call PYT, mind you she will mind, but she ain't gonna know is she?
This now really complicated the matters, so it was decided to let Skeptic deal with the PYT. Now Skeptic wasn't really a pro in these delicate matters but you're only as good as your best man, aren't you?
So anyways, Skeptic didn't really have a response to that particular statement, so he settled for the wittiest reply of them all “ Duh!” She smiled at the bold strategy and said “ Well hello” Now this one was positively trying to strike up a conversation, could it be avoided asked Skeptic to Sad, no, we're doomed forever anon replied Sad. Skeptic replied to her “ Well hello you” much in the same vein as say “ Well f*** you”. The PYT now tried an entirely new approach “ I need help”, this one was a no-brainer, Skeptic replied “ I am sure you'll find someone.” The duo was already celebrating their victory over the PYT, damn they had done the impossible, that's when Upbeat spoke out of turn ”Can I be of some assistance?”
Well I need to get to this address. She forwarded a piece of paper Sad opened his mouth to explain that though he did want to help, he didn't know this address, that's when Upbeat replied, Sure I am actually headed that way, mind taking a walk, its just a short distance from here!
So where do you live? Well I am just across the street of this address. Do you believe in fate? Don't you think we were actually destined to meet? Dude suxxor, I mean that's like the lamest thing I ever heard in my life, at this point Upbeat again got there first, Yeah I do, I think that there's a plan for all us, its not you know Heavenly, it could be, but I think that there is just a Plan, for everyone its not very clear but it exists.
You think so? She smiled, I couldn't agree more.
Do you believe in God? Do you, suddenly asked Sad, who had been till now been very quiet.
Well, I guess I do! She smiled. And why precisely? Well because he created us and every one, and he created Fate to give us chances like these to improve ourselves. Yes and because nothing ever happens against his will.
What about you? She asked. I don't know replied Sad, if you'd asked me a few a years ago I'd have said Yes I do, but now...
Did something happen? She inquired. No Hell is it necessary for something to happen, and my point is nothing happens... ever. Absolutely nothing. So how do I know if life is not just a series of random events one leading to the other why is it necessary to have this notion of an underlying bed-rock of Certainty. What if there is none? I sometimes think isn't God a creation of our fears? Isn't it somewhat a big-daddy who will protect us from evils and give us food? One can go on to say that the foundation of the creation of God is fear itself. And about Fate, it affects me as much as it affects a fluttering feather floating in air.
There some reason why Quantum Mechanics is the way world is. The universe is not deterministic, there is no plan, there is no God, there is no reality, there is in short... nothing.
Whoa, watch it said Upbeat. Now you can't go on saying whatever you feel like. If you think your birth was a cosmic accident I'll agree, but as for me I know who created me I was created by God. What about Big-bang? The universe was created from nothingness and made into this infinite universe.
Sad replied sorrowfully, ever seen a river... flowing it looks so ordered, a stream of blue all going in the same direction. Yet is you look closely, it ain't so ordered, its restless, particles flowing in ever which direction. That's why potential theories fail, because they can't be applied. There is no order, but Chaos and chaos creating a fragile impression of order. But its frail very fragile and once disturbed, can be disturbed and distorted totally giving something totally else, remember that the next time you smoke.
About Big bang, then my friend.. its a theory not fact... the only proof being the uniform background radiation, well it only means that the universe is isotropic, and that could be because if the universe is infinite then it would obviously be isotropic, whatever local differences there might be would get sorted over the infinite spectrum....
“Wtf” suddenly said the PYT, she was looking at me very strangely what are you she asked, as if the question wasn't insulting enough her tone definitely was the icing on the cake. Excuse me, I said. You.. you talk to yourself, you're mad or something and to think I was taking a walk with you what if you had slit my throat or something that mad-men do? I will tell my dad about it? I'm getting away from you nutter.
Hey wait, I said, I don't understand what you are saying. Oh now you don't understand me, you talk, no debate your own self, and talk strange. You believe that God exists and you also believe that God doesn't no you're not sane.. you are hardly a human... and as soon as that she was gone.
Skeptic was the first to recover from the shock. Now why was that? Who knows. Said Sad.
Well said Upbeat I am headed back to the bed, who wants to race? Well keep your hopes up, personally I am skeptic of you ever winning the race, said Skeptic. Sad just smiled.

The Pessimist

I am a pessimist. I mean the “I don't comb my hair” kind, what is the the point really?
Not the sort of person who brightens up parties just by “being there”, if you know what I mean.
Quite the contrary actually.
So this came as a real surprise, an invitation, to a real party, well that was a first. The folks throwing the party must be real optimists, the half-full glass kind, I guess.
Now the way I looked at it, I would have rather turned up at a funeral for all the fun that I might have, but then I thought, lets give the poor fellow a chance, turn up, after all God Himself said Do A SINGLE good deed and I'll forgive ALL your SINS, or something like that, but that's not the point really.
There was a time I remember when I wouldn't bother to return greetings, what's the point really in useless social rituals?
I should have been a vampire that would have kept people off, but I listened to Classical Rock which is like the second best thing, though you don't really get to change into a bat(that would have been sorta cool though), but people really avoid you, so I am almost there, I have been trying to get bitten but turns out most bats don't give a damn about my blood...
Anyways back to the party... there was no point in turning up or even getting dressed... but then there was no point in getting out of the bed also...
So I turned up there, then I noticed something, other people had packages in their hands, wtf anyways I remembered that it was a b'day party, so I needed a b'day gift damn that was outrageous if I had only known. The nerve of them, not only they expect me to turn up, they expect gifts as well. Now had I been blessed with brains this would be the point where I would return back home and try to get some sleep, not really sleep being the insomniac that I am...
Anyways whatever human interaction virus I had caught was pretty strong so I thought I would get a gift, hand it over and run like hell... that was the plan anyways...
Now I almost reached the Gift-Shop almost without any major accident. So I was crossing this dark lane when I hear Help!!! and there's this incredibly beautiful girl being robbed, so I was no Superman and the robber seemed to be one, so it was a no-brainer, her knight in shimmering armor would arrive soon enough, so on the balance there was no reason to get Karma on my own two hands, especially considering the number of cups I had broken, finally I had to buy steel cups.. but they always leak and a coffee isn't the same in them...
But that is again not the point... so I let Karma happen and went to the Gift-Shop.
When I returned outside, I saw the Girl was standing there waiting for someone. Ever so incredibly she had suddenly started moving towards me... well at least in the same general direction as I was, so on instinct I turned left and she followed so anyways, I turned again and again in the narrow by lanes but she struck on like Dahaka. Now on my day I have even defeated the Dahaka, but today I neither had the Water Sword nor did I even have my analog stick, so I was pretty much screwed, finally by a twist of fate( I have heard that there are writers, of flesh and blood who actually use this phrase, how lame!!!) I was standing at the very same spot as the girl was while being robbed... I had meddled with Karma by not touching it.....
So anyways she caught up with me pretty soon.
I don't have a lot of money but I do have this present its anyways for people I don't really give a damn about... please take it lemme go and I would never ever go to a party. Hell I'd get a proxy for my marriage.
So the girl asks me Why didn't you help me? I mean okay so I am a boy so does that mean every time a girl screws up I rush to her aid? If you're thinking so then Surely You're Mistaken... Nevermind.
So when was it last when you combed your hair? She asked me suddenly. Well yesterday. I mean there was a day such that I had combed my hair yesterday...
So you don't meddle with Karma? That a philosophy of your life? Well actually the philosophy of my life is I don't give a damn...
Why are your eyes so soggy and your skin looks bleached? Well obviously its been a month since I last saw the sun what less do you expect?
Why are you not out in the sun? Well obviously because its damn too hot? In October? Well it was hot a month ago, and with all that Global Warming... who knows??
So we chatted for some bit anyways I remembered the party and the 499.95 present in my hand. What is it? She asked me. Its a video-game. Who are you giving this to? A classmate.
So tell me, what kinda music you listen to? I don't. Hey why are you so defensive, unless you listen to dash-dash-dash( what if i get a defamation suit). Well here it goes, I thought, I listen to classical rock, like Bob Dylan. But ain't he folk rock? Well I mean the whole period I listen from Dylan to the Who...Hang on you know Dylan! Well I listen to him sometimes... I couldn't believe me ears... and Beatles yeah sure... Clapton? do... Dire Straits... intermittently. Floyd... mostly. Barrett( this was too much to hope for but I did ask and held my breath) all the time.... was it a dream. It felt so real... I could see the sun it must be a dream. So well I thought lets go with the flow... So I asked her what do you do when you're not listening to music.. video games.. FPS to MMORPGs'... at this point I thought a girl who listens to Barrett and plays Rise of Nations and F.E.A.R..... do you even exist I asked her and touched well she seemed solid, okay so she was soft and all.... but damn it was no dream at all it reality at its best....
So years later we were getting married and I finally asked her.. Why did you approach me that day anyways? Well she said... I read somewhere that God Himself said Do A SINGLE good deed and I'll REPAY you for it... or something like that but that is not really the point......
SO okay I totally made up that last part... I bought the game and decided I don't give a damn anyways so I went back to my den and hooked up the game... about that girl I don't really know, maybe her knight showed maybe he didn't depends upon the way you look at it...