Monday, August 20, 2007

Right now all can think about is all the gruesome deaths that would end my life. So why haven't I ended my life. Okay makes no sense to me. Drivel. All of the above. Maybe, maybe not. What do I live for? Audioslave has disbanded and there last album was not even a millionth as a good as their first. So basically what is the point in living? Well Gears of War comes for PC this Christmas. So I might wanna hang around till New Year. Then what will be my raison d'etre? If I mispronounced sorry, I am not French. Anyways I mean what is the reason of my existence? What will I do? Anyways I thought that I had risen above the self-deploring death-begging pessimistic inhuman existence that I had been leading, but things rarely go according to plan right? Damn I hate optimists and their happiness. As someone wisely said you need pain to understand the true worth of happiness or something like that. Yeah if you have been following my writings. You'd have guessed it right. Quiz tomorrow. I am quite unprepared also. So 2+2 =4.
Anyways I am happy to announce that I am no longer that concerned about being happy or anything. It doesn't really matter I think. All that matters in my life is a good MTech CPI and a fat paying job. See I changed my priorities. I will probably now become an investment banker. So sorry world I am not inventing the fusion reactor anymore. What do you guys care? Happy enough with gasolene that you are. So the new plan is IB and then a fat sum of money. See happiness is for the mundane, it truly doesn't matter. Of course I am not going as far as Van Gough who cut an ear of his and made a self-potrait. As far as I am concerned happiness can go rot in Hell for all my sins.
So here is the complete list of things I have decided I won't be needing 10 years from now: Happiness, Friends, Relationships, Parents(a wee bit undecided here, blame my upbringing, but I believe they'll be better of without me), Religion, India(along with any residual feeling of patriotism left in me Good Riddance), Hindi Movies( I downloaded Chak de but I won't watch it, I have decided, ever), in fact movies of any kind or language, faded denims( good bye old friend been nice being with you), Family, MotoSLVR L7 (Good for now won't want to be hanging on to a piece of junk 10 years from now), Hindi(written or spoken), Sandals and boots, Tropical Summers, Monsoons(which means Australia won't be my eventual abode, never liked them anyways), Newspapers(already given them up for years), News from any media(what is the big great urgent need anyways, except my gizmo feeds and gaming news you need to stay with the times after-all where it matters), Health(I don't fall sick anymore, not even fevers or colds and I hate that completely), Cable connection/Dish TV(or whatever replaces that 10 years from now), Congegrations and crowds(I get claustrophobic, crowds are worse than caves) Sunlight(manage to avoid it mostly alreay). Memories(Hard drives get better once all the clutter is removed, but I know not a way) Whew exhaustive but maybe not complete.
Now the things I need: Money, Money, Money. Everything else follows. See money buys stuff. Stuff brings contentment. Contentment brings happiness. Quod erat demonstrandum. Oh and also my brother(what would be the point of living if we can't meet at least every now and then?) God(I know he exists, my birth was no accident :P).
Also I have decided that 50 is a ripe old age to die(thankfully I didn't grow up watching football or I would have been satisfied with a couple). 50 is 30 more than what I have lived. Which is more than all the time I have existed for. And I have been alive as far back as I can remember so that is a lot of time. I can do without all the added burdens of old age thank you very much. All I want are a couple of thrills. And 30 years are long enough to have them.
So its not I am not scared of death. Well scratch that. Infact I am not afraid of death. I can look anyone in the eye and say that. Even myself. Why should I be afraid of death? Next I would be expected to be afraid of the Sun. I am sorry but I am not going the way ape-men went millions of years ago. I am not conforming. That is for sure. That doesn't mean I am not scared of dying. I am scared because it is supposedly very painful. Death is infact the one last suspense. Pain I know of. See basically if I can be guaranteed that I won't feel a thing I won't mind dying. Not suicide though. Suicides I don't like. Maybe because a few of my friends went that way. Also suicides are notorious for failing. Suppose I survive the fall and get paralysed neck down. That would suck. And all the fuss that is made about death. See death is a word with a very negative connotation. Conclusion is such a better word for what actually happens. A chapter concludes with a life. It is a given. If you're born you'll die. Even the Colossus of Rhodes fell and was destroyed. So was the Titanic. It is something that we must expect. Death can't be wiped out. Maybe it can be delayed indefinitely or our existences recycled in the crude forms of souls or something similar but still death will strike. If you don't wanna die probably you should not have been born. So. Anyways as I was saying, Death is but the conclusion of a book or a song.
I don't know if I'll be welcoming it with open arms but it is worth waiting for.
So I got distracted and out poured a rant. But I believe the above few lines are the only meaningful ones in this whole article.
My grandfather died when I was in a very impressionable age. I was like barely teen-aged. So it had a very huge affect on me. Not suddenly. But over time. I don't recollect being sad at his death. After all we had always been told that one should not be sad when someone passes away, because they've went to a much better place. I don't really remember what he looked like anyways. But I remember that he had to use a stick to walk ever since he was very young.
I had been told that he fell of a horse when he was a kid. But now I think maybe it was because of polio or something. But you can't really explain that to a kid now. He might get scared. But say granpa fell off a horse and he is awed. So anyways, I did not cry instatly, but finally I did. I did that when I say everyone was crying. Even my dad, and I have never seen him cry. So that was huge. I remember saying to my aunt that I am not crying. I hugged her and then started crying. Or maybe it was after I saw my brother crying that I thought that I should be crying. One of the two or both. I am sorry about the inaccuracy. But it is not the kind of memory that my brain would strive to preserve.
With all this said I am killing this article. I mean concluding this article. I hope that gives everyone who reads this some food for thought. You are welcome to have my share of happiness if you offer me your salary. I am satisfied with playing Ghost Recon Advanced Warfighter 2 at the moment. Say is happiness in anyway like the feeling I had when I killed 2 AI characters with a single sniper bullet?


'~-)Sandman(-~' said...

and you also think that 50 is a ripe age to say your goodbyes...heavens.we have a lot in common...
are there more insane nihilists like us here?I know one who you know too :D, but barring him?

cheers to man size smoke rings...
kaun sa brand btw?
mine is navy cut
sasta aur tikaoo

Vishnu said...

Your justification of wanting money goes: Money buys stuff, stuff buys contentment, contentment gets you happiness. So I guess your initial claim that you didn't need happiness was really not a consistent one... but yea, you need money dude, but I know of happy guys who don't have money! Maybe they won't be happy all their lives, but the surges of happiness an artist gets while making a sublime piece of original work is unmatched. It might not last forever but it doesn't matter.. but I understand when one speaks about the importance of money. For instance, though I may talk philosophically about happiness and shit, when it ocmes to my plans, its to get a job that pays max. The plan is to work for 2-3 yrs and then pay my way through music college. (Its damn expensive!) That's my way to happiness.. so yes, money is most definitely an accessory! But I believe the ultimate aim still is happiness.