There was a time I was a huge fan of U2, in my third semester and while Vikram was cleaning up his room, this song, yeah thats right song surfaced, that I am going to publish right now. I have an exam tomorrow for which I am definitely unprepared but that is obviously a trifle matter compared to this. According to the note I have with this poem, I would like it sung by Bob Dylan to a melody that is somewhat like the song "Like a Rolling Stone" and oh yeah this baby rhymes yippee.

ALL THAT YOU CAN'T LEAVE BEHIND IN A MILLION DOLLAR HOTEL

You're rich, spending your nights
in a million dollar hotel.
you've many friends and lotsa homes,
but you keep coming back
to the million dollar hotel.

You live a life of luxury,
more clothes than you care to count,
servants you fire at will,
Yeah, still you spend your nights in the million dollar hotel.

Life's cool, life's chic
Gucci boots and designer sticks,
People know you where you go,
yet you keep coming back to the million dollar hotel,
Yeah, you spend your nights in the million dollar hotel.

You buy your clothes,
you leave them here,
You make friends,
you forget them here,
Is that why you keep coming back to the million dollar hotel,
Yeah you spend your nights at the million dollar hotel.

You met her here,
held her for the first time.
Then she left you
and left your love,
behind in the million dollar hotel,
while you spend your life, here in the million dollar hotel.

Someday you'll take your clothes,
leave the memories behind.
Remember the friends, you
forget all the time.

But Oh My Dear Sonny Jim, there's a lot you
can leave behind in the million dollar hotel.
And there's all that you can't leave behind in a Million Dollar Hotel.

-----
As the note attached with this says.... BEST CREATION EVER
Also I am sticking to the no more crappy shitty poems very much.
This one ain't crappy shitty, this one is pure genius :)

This is something I wrote some time ago but did not publish maybe because it is a bit too personal. But like most of the times I don't really care much anyways. Also there is the unwritten rule that I follow of publishing my thoughts hence I will publish this. If I feel like it I'll add to it. Just maybe. It is rather sardonic. Whatever that means. I was way too smoked when I first wrote this and I am in that vicinity right now so it doesn't really matter. Why do I write a blog that no one reads? I think because that it is the proof of the fact that I once existed. I hope what I write survives long after I am dead. Why do I have these thoughts anyways? For once I wish I was just having normal teenage thoughts and not such stuff. But I guess this is the price you pay for solitary confinement. Right now where I am there is no one else. Okay not totally true. This is iTech after all. Like iPod and iPhone see. But really there is no one on my whole frigging floor. There are 15 vacant rooms but nothing else. Since I am no great fan of the teaching system I am hardly ever in the Lecture Hall that means I am in here 24x7. So Vikram does have the room next to me. But he is almost never here. He works too hard I think. I am jealous. I have nothing to take my mind off from my thoughts. After all your thoughts never leave you alone now. After reading this I as well as you will realize that I have great faith in God. But frankly I am not religious. So that is just one of the contradictions I have been living with. Thankfully I have the anthropic principle to save the day.
Anthropic principle is wonderful. Also just like ice cream it comes in many flavors. I prefer the strong anthropic principle. From my understanding it means that the universe exists because I do. Though it generally means that a universe must exist because there is someone who can observe it and think about it all the same.
Anyways by now everyone would be wondering what is it now?
Well endsems are just round the corner(aren't they always lurking in shadows and hoping to catch you unaware and succeeding every frigging time. GOD HOW I HATE THEM).
For alas thats not all in my woebegone life. I also have received an Academic Warning for ahem poor academic performance. So i have to sign this undertaking which isn't really long but a point is noteworthy that I'll reproduce verbatim....
" and also refrain from any extra-curricular activity or activities that tend to distract from this purpose."
With this academic warning I have almost completed the Grand Slam of woes that you can win here at your stay in IITK. The others being academic probation and termination of academic pogrom... I meant program. I only missed the Disciplinary Probation which is lovingly referred to as DP. I think I can't win that one, being by nature meek and non-violent friends tend to call me lazy, if only they understood.
Anyways I don't really comprehend the extracurricular activities bit. Am I allowed to eat in a canteen? Am I allowed to talk to my friends? Am I allowed to breathe? Surely none of these activities do any good to my curricula. Can I post on this blog? Orkut has been banned. So how am I supposed to keep in touch with my friends from ages past?
Shit I hate them dastard Nazis all of them. Why aren't our professors put on some type of warning if they teach bad or do no research whatsoever. Instead they win shiny new awards everyday. I've had enough with this place. Somehow I'll survive. I hope.
Anyways here is what I wrote sometime ago. Beware at some places I sound like an old frigid catholic nun.

How God Feels and other musings:

There are times when I feel abandoned by God. Like I am unsheltered, vulnerable and lonely, I wish there was a single word to describe the feeling. Right now there are like a million insects in my room and they serve absolutely no purpose in calming my soul.
I am trying to think but I just can't concentrate on a single thought for any length of time. It is a very frustrating feeling. I want to think something good, anything. But the thoughts are just not there. Maybe its because of the quiz that I have tomorrow, for which I have absolutely not prepared. I don't care and its not the point anyways.
There are just so many thoughts flitting around in my head from the mundane to the romantic I don't know which to concentrate on.
That got me thinking. Funny how I do that.
Maybe its the same with God. It maybe isn't the case that he has abandoned me. Maybe, he has so much to take care of, and we can all agree that it sure is quite a lot that even he is confused at the moment. Maybe he just doesn't have the time to pay attention on me right now.
Maybe he is just caught up in the moment at hand, maybe creating a supernova(which must be a very beautiful sight to see from up close) and witnessing the miracle happen that he has forgotten about me. Which is just as well because even if I die, I am just a human, one who probably would be forgotten promptly anyways once he is no more. I am not being critical, its just that memories fade. It is the way of the world.
Just because I don't want to accept it doesn't mean it won't happen. After all how long is my expectancy? A passing moment in his eyes.
Yet I don't hate him. I miss him. His guiding hand. The serenity of being in his care.
I guess that makes me lonely. That also makes me miss my girlfriend. Though it is still a manner of speaking I guess. I miss my family. I miss my friends. Okay went a bit overboard there.
Somehow I don't really care for friends. I think that they are expendable. New ones always replace the company you had previously. Maybe this is a result of being in a family that keeps getting frequent transfers and the fact that I changed so many schools. Don't get me wrong, I tend to mix very easily when I want. Especially so till a few years back.
It is easy for me to establish friendships but very excruciating to maintain anything in the long run.
Well now my head has settled a bit. I have thought some stuff, if only briefly.
What can I say, maybe I am too much of an attention craver after all.
I get so lonely that even my soul feels cold. That makes me reject the people around me who care for me. I can be a real ass I think. I end up causing everyone so much pain.
The light at the end of the tunnel. There is. Maybe.
Should I publish this? Maybe, not that it matters... only I read my blog after all. I wonder why I put so much effort into it. I also wonder why don't I don't do this all the time.
I suffer from education is my conclusion. Nothing good has come out yet so far out of my quest for higher education. I feel stifled and choked here. I know rather remember that I praised this place. I still do so sporadically.
But mostly I am just pissed with where I am and what I am doing right now. I am a failure in all aspects.
The funny thing is despite comprehending this I still manage to be cheerful. It is because of a single belief that I have. That has only solidified with the passage of time.
"This too will pass." It is probably my motto. The only reason why I can smile at the monitor while typing drivel.
I believe rather that I would prefer to be left alone with my thoughts only. They are like the only best friend I have always had. Even so they tend to get on my nerves. Right now my head is on fire with pain. I don't know what to do and have no intention of doing anything whatsoever.
Despite I am dragged in a world of competition with all the jungle rules of perish or evolve and stuff.
I don't know. There is a haze beyond which my vision of the future is clouded and distorted. I don't know what I want from life either.

The pain in my head is growing, can't take anymore o f it. I need to sleep. Sometimes I don't wanna wake up. But it would be too lame to leave without leaving behind some sort of proof that I existed. The problem is I don't know what to write when the moment comes.
God I ned you. Guide me please. Some sign. Any sign.
I am willing to make amends if you show me the way.
So please please help me out. I am your people who are dying everywhere and they are in pain. Help me.
Please.

------
Oh and update, I do miss my friends. At least now in this place. I really wouldn't have survived for three years here had it not been for them. Frankly. So this post is mostly drivel. I hope no one gets offended. But then no one will read this so I guess it'll be alright.

Do Photons Wear Watches?

Every time I see that damn scene of the atom bomb exploding I am filled with a feverish excitement. I get filled with emotions like, wow this thing can totally annihilate me in less than a second. Eradicate me from this planet like I have never existed.
Of course if somebody wants to kill me he won't have to go that extreme, from my experience playing Counter Strike I know that a single bullet to the head would be more than sufficient.
So how did I get to this death filled rant? I had an image in my mind just now and as happens normally, it got me thinking.
So let me describe you the details. The idea is that I am on a warfield with my comrades(in a strictly non-communist sense, but that is an argument for some other time.) and I am talking to some one, who I think is my friend, there is a stalemate on the field and no one is firing. Though I don't know what we were talking about, it was something friendly. I believe.
Then suddenly without warning a bullet and I see it coming Matrix style in Slo-Mo. It hits him in the head on the left side just above his ear and just below his helmet. His head splatters out blood like I punctured a water balloon. And I get drenched in blood, his. My hands are covered with it and so is my face and my eyes. I see everything through bloodied eyes. He limps down rather crumples down to the ground in a slow second, his face still grinning like it was a moment ago. I know I sound like some maniac sadist but it was beautiful. Awesomely. He died before his brain could register the fact or his face contort with the pain that he must have felt. Or did he? Did his pain even register?
In a second he was no more than baggage. The place erupts in chaos. Firing on all sides. Explosions. Heat. Blood. Adrenaline.
Maybe I should stop playing Call of Duty. Maybe not. It was beautiful yes. Scary too. Scary as heaven.
N.B. from Wiki:

Aristotle said that good similes give an "effect of brilliance", but he preferred the use of metaphor, as it was shorter, and therefore more attractive in creative usage.

And hence I like using new similies and metaphors, really how many people have used Scary as hell? I hope they all rot in hell. Scary as heaven, I'll explain. Because you'll dead when in Heaven. Go figure. If the Koran is to be believed if you're in heaven then you were also a Muslim. Which definitely ups the scary part. Despite all the beautiful virgins you get for dying. 72 I think the number was. Just a query... umm God... when the 72 beautiful virgins are no longer virgins do we get a resupply? What, you think that I am unfeeling and made of stone? Well having said that I'll still get to go to Heaven because I am a Muslim. How's that for arrogance? You can go sulk in a corner all you want. God has a pit all for you in the lowest circle of Hell. I believe it is especially hot there. Anyways resuming back after this rant.

Scary because it might have been me who took the bullet and he who would have been writing this blog. So okay I create civilizations in my thoughts which might just be my hobby. And I destroy them. At least in my thoughts I am omnipotent. But I can do worse, I can forget forever the colonies that I create in my mind. And the ones I create are absolutely fantastic. Some revere science and some are mystical as the word magic itself. But I forget about them.
What happens to the worlds I create in my mind, to the ones I journey when I am bored with the lectures and half-asleep?
There are obviously no coordinates where they exist. But yet they exist in my mind. If only fleetingly. Are they in any way inferior to the world I inhabit?
If I create a world where lets say All Knowledge is revealed and there is no suffering no poverty, would it still be inferior to this world that I inhabit, with all its and mine imperfections? Despite all its imperfections and inferiority this is the world that exists. Why is that so?
I'll cite facts I have picked up recently. A third of all amphibians are close to extinction. So are the reptiles the mammals the fishes the this and the that. Most of the world's rain-forests have been cleared up. The polar bears are being pushed to farther reaches of the Arctic or have started to hunt Walruses. Just saw that in a documentary. Trust me you don't want to hunt a walrus. Their breeding grounds have thousands of them together and they're huge. A few million years more and they might have been some kind of whales themselves. They're that huge.
Why is that the world just can't seem to move beyond petrol and coal as fuels despite all the research that is going into the alternative fuels. How can a man explode an atom bomb over another human's head? That it is a war of justice just doesn't justify the means.

Whoa I just tend to forget what I was talking and get tugged in a totally different direction anyways resuming from earlier... I know that I am not a scientist and my scientific knowledge is much limited. So my viewpoints are rather naive in some ways. But still I always the feeling that something does not add up.
I'll explain. And cite some famous examples too if I remember them in time.
First there is thing called the Arecibo message.

I'll even put in a picture here and you can follow the wiki link if you end up reading this and you are not me. First I have read it one time too many and second if you are reading this, I feel sorry for you. Maybe you have NOTHING better to do. Maybe you are sorry with your life and the way its gone. Maybe you are just Pagaria. Or Meesum. Sorry couldn't resist the impulse to put in an inside joke. This one was for my friends here at I-Tech(sounds way cooler than IITK anyways, I think). Anyways whatever be your reasons I will try my best to see to it that you keep coming back for more. While you are at it why not refresh the page a few more times so that the hit counter gets a bit higher. It won't do you any good but it would soothe my ego. Ok you'll get a really hot girl, now please be nice and reload the damn page.
Enough with the pleasantries I guess.
Anyways the Arecibo message was transmitted to the globular star cluster that is 25000 light-years away from Earth in the days ET was the rage so that some sentient extra-terrestrial race who will decipher it and will be friends forever. Or something like that.
25000 light years as you know, unless you grew up in a cave or in Kanpur is the distance that light travels in 25000 standard earth years. Take a calculator and you will soon find that the distance in question is 2.634E20 i.e those many zeros. Now let me ask the reverse question, how much time would light take to travel 25000 light-years? Suffice to say I don't know the answer. It could be 25000 but I have an argument which prevents me from believing this. That is because after some point Newtonian mechanics and hence common sense fails. Relativity takes over. See the thing is that there is no absolute time. Really no absoolute time. Don't make me repeat myself no absolute time.
I absolutely intend that you don't get comfortable of the idea. No absolute time. You can be happy and tell this to your project administrator for all the good it would do.
I'll explain. There is something called time-dilation. And unlike pupil-dilation it is absolutely horrible, I couldn't even solve the one time-dilation question that came on my PHY101 exam. It is that horrible.
So it basically means clocks slow down when your speed increases with respect to the frame of reference.
Frame of reference is another thing that gets many people (including me) all tied up in knots. no wonder only three people in all Europe can understand Relativity when Einstein first published his paper.
What is a frame of reference? It can be anything. Really. Wherever you put the origin of your coordinates is the frame of reference. I am still not very clear. Is the origin the frame of reference? Or is the whole universe in study the frame of reference? Don't complain I got a C on the course and that was because I found all this stuff boring. I can understand if you also do so.
What is the physical manifestation of a frame of reference? I don' know no one taught me that. Whatever I picked up has been my own effort. That after studying in what is the BEST Engineering college in all of India according to a magazine survey in India. Ostensibly they are also ranked the Best in Student Care. Despite the record of one Suicide every semester. Yep that's true one suicide every year. Plus at least one or two failed attempts in every semester. Mama Papa rejoice your son is being taken good care of here. My bride don't shed tears if I don't get out of here alive, after all people always die over time. Really there are so many insects here that I might just have been living in a Rain forest for all I know. And the attitude of people sometimes make me feel that I am in some kind of a native tribe of hunter- gatherers praying pagan pseudo-human gods called Lecturers.
Anyways i fiddled a little with the Calculator while working a little thought experiment(bear with me I am trying to sound nerdy).
Assume a craft that flies at 1000 m/s which is like the average shuttle anyways and a frame of reference fixed at the center of galaxy. This basically means I do all my calculations assuming that the center of galaxy to be at rest. Which is wrong if Big Bang is right.
It takes 2.634E17 seconds to travel this distance. Trust me you don't want to know how many years that is.
Now you have a ship that does a cool C/3 i.e one third the speed of light. Wow rocks you might think. You'll still take 2.485E12 seconds(assuming no calculation error on my part) to reach the cluster. In this amount of time homo erectus became homo sapiens. So maybe you'll wanna take those 72 virgins along with you so that some of your DNA reaches the aliens. Now since every of your child recieves half of your genes, thus assuming a new generation starts every 20 years( I am being practical with all those sorry cases of cases of teenage pregnancies) it means an infinitesimal amount of your DNA would reach ET sorry can't cite a number, my calculator is not that precise it displays 0.000 E00.
But how much time did it take the message to get there?
It was transmitted by radio waves which are photons that can't be seen by our eyes. Thus assume for a moment that you're a photon. Rejoice you're indestructible. You'll survive an eternity. Now how much time did it take you? Well how do we measure that? I send another light beam next to you on which I am riding. Okay I have a miniscule camera. No way I can fit on a photon which is a point. So as you travel you find that you reach instantaneously to the cluster. Thats it. So what does that mean? It takes 25000 years and it is also instantaneous at the same time.
There you go I hate Physics more than ever. So from the viewpoint of a photon this whole universe is contained in an instant. Maybe thats what it really is. From Creation to Destruction in a moment. Instantly.
The thing with paradoxes is that suck the blood out of me. This is so counterintuitive. On par with the Schroedinger's cat. Man those guys were brilliant. They don't make them like that anymore.
Since we are doing thought experiments here is another in fact it is not really a thought experiment but would be rather boring to do in reality and you must be a real retard to do it really though you are welcome to try it out in your backward under parental guidance. Just for the kicks.
The idea is to stare at your watch at your clock for a 15 minutes not more not less.
The point you say. Well its your shot at immortality so go ahead and try. Okay I admit it is not very scientific, it is somewhat underhanded as are my arguments.
The idea is basically those 15 minutes are your minutes. Try it with a friend. They would probably hate you forever after this. But give it a try though. After those 15 painstaking minutes ask your this question. Are the 15 minutes of you and your friend the same? No they aren't.
Let me explain. This is the point we leave science and take refuge in something nauseatingly akin to metaphysics. Everyone perceives the world in a certain way. Ergo the thought you and your friend had in the period the things you looked the number of times you breathed etc etc would all be in general different. Okay this would seem like a rather crummy explanation. You can claim that firstly we can look at the whole world together encompass every thought every human has, every time a bacteria replicates, every time someone sneezed, every leaf that fell and so on and hence create an absolute 15 minutes that encompasses all that happened in those 15 minutes.
Thus you would create an absolute 15 minutes that we all experienced together the subsets of which are the experiences of human being. But this isn't sufficient, assume that this friend of yours was actually in the C/3 space craft that you made. Then? On a reference frame fixed to Earth when 15 minutes of your time pass it is actually15.91 minutes that pass for your friend. His 15 minutes would respectively be your 15.91 minutes. Thus when you try to create those 15 minutes you fail horribly. You're welcome to curse Physics horribly. I'm for one on your side.
But that will not change the fact where did those 54.6 seconds come from. Now if you and your friend systematically start reading the word-list in from a dictionary at the same rate say one word every 2 seconds then you would manage to speak450 words while your friend manages 27 more words than you. Thus the 15 minutes that you had previously would be incompatible with these 15 minutes. Of course that's because of a craft that doesn't exist in a thought experiment no one has done. Regardless moving on since we have been discussing time let me ask a very general question. What is time? Okay that was a rhetorical question. The real question is this. How long is a second? Well one view would be to claim that one second is one second. The other seemingly intelligent answer would be that it is the time light takes to travel 1/c meters.
Ask these intelligent guys what is a meter? It is the distance light travels in 1/C seconds. Ergo you have exposed the hoax of the intellectuals. Time to feel proud. Call your parents and cry if you want. You'd have deserved it.
Which brings me back to to the same question again. How long is a second? If like me in school you said one second is a second because you did not remember what was the speed of light then you can be happy even more so. You were right. There is no way to quantify a second.
Hence my axiom, a second lasts infinitely. A second is forever. It is also instantaneous. Maybe it would be called Ahmad's Paradox. But I don't care I am working on my Nobel acceptance speech already. Arigato miina-saama. Yeah I would give it in Japanese. Not in the least because Ninjas are so cool. Also because a samurai can totally pwn an Army of Paladins without breaking a sweat.
Really I hate the Heavy armor types. How did they even move in all those armor. And their stupid big Claymores. You can only do two things with a Claymore. One stab your opponent, two swing it around like a fool. Now wielding a katana that's finesse. Infact there is Iaidō a katana fighting technique in which the sword is drawn from the scabbard(called Saya, related to the Hindi Saya meaning shadow?), the opponent is cut and the blood removed(by a motion similar to dusting somewhat) and the sword placed back in the scabbard in one fluid motion. It hardly takes a second in the hands of a seasoned practitioner. Thus while the knight would swing his sword the Samurai would easily evade him. Then while the weight of the sword gives so much momentum to the Knight that he'll stagger forward the Samurai would Iaido-decapitate the Knight. Too easily in fact. I can see it in my mind. Beautiful too beautiful. I should have been in a Shogunate.
Ergo if you run into a Samurai I suggest you be extra nice and if they get pissed run as fast and as far. You would never run into a Ninja. That's how cool they're. Also they can back flip. Ah sorry got distracted. Where ever I was this ends episode one.
Check this site for goodies. They'll be there when I feel like it.

It is how that what I write has a certain emo feel to it. Now that is not right because that is not true. That would be because a friend once pointed out I am primarily an epicurean in hedonistic moods. Phew. Point is it is sort of lame to be writing the same kind of poems over and over again just because the quiz didn't go well or because i again got decapitated by the chainsaw freaks while playing Resident Evil 4.
It is plain wrong anyways.
So much for the emo poems, and the point is no one really reads my blog except the occasional friend as the newly installed hits counter on my blog would readily testify.
But the point is that this is a long term project and its not like once I grow old I would grow a beard and pray 5 times a day and stop blogging, quite the contrary.
I am quite sure that I am going to burn in hell. Resigned to the fact I am. Unless God is in a particularly jolly mood on Judgement Day and I go like Hey God know that one about the hooker the priest and the leprechuan who enter the Latino bar, and he goes no way Basit I have no idea, and I come up with the best one liner in all of human history, my fate is already clear to me. If only because God knows everything so he knows my perfect one liner already. Even if I do tell him, it'd be like Shut up I heard that one years ago. To his Governors in Hell he then says Double the brime temperature Ye! Make sure his bottoms are cooked raw. Or something like that. But that doesn't really scare me. To me it is all because of my end semester exams. I end up not studying and I know that I am on the borderline of failing so I tell myself not to worry not to worry, Jab hoga dekha jayega. So I have the same to say about what the future has in store for me.
Anyways the idea of a wrathful god and to look upon him as someone to be feared is something I have never really managed to grasp. Call me names all you will the so called defenders of the faith, but I am not scared of God, and why should I be. I doubt if David was ever scared of Michaelangelo or Mona Lisa of Vinci. Or for the sake of argument I wonder if dynamite ever get scared of Alfred Nobel. Okay not quite the point anyways.
What bothers me are the profusion of pages that litter the net and are little more than garbage yet have millions of hits unlike my petty blog. I am specifically referring to all the dumb CAPSLOCK or aLtCaPs blondes on Myspace or such who actually are fat greasy nerds or their fatter greasier and hairier fathers who need to desperately get a life. If only I had a chainsaw.... I would have had my sweet sweet revenge.
Anyways, I had a chat yesterday with a junior of mine and we were reminiscening the good old valuable innocent days. He mentioned about me as someone who always spoke the truth and had drooping eyes with girls falling for them all over.
So let me clarify I still retain those sexy drooping eyes and once I have had a smoke or two to go with it lemme tell you babe that they get all the more enchanting. So the fact that I don't have a girlfriend completely defies all logic. Anyways that might just change in the near future so we'll see what happens then. About the good innocent boy I once was. RIP.
Unfortunately he wasn't built for the trials and tribulations of life. It was anyways a high maintainance model that would only drink mineral water to mention a fact. The current attitude suits me mighty fine but I would adapt again if I need to. If only because of natural selection.
I never know how to end something. Goes for my answers also. I don't really have the capacity to end something I started to say. So generally I let it drift with the issues hanging in cold air.
I am so doing that right now.
In fact just now here.
This is it.
The End.
Goodbye.

My new poem, I was composing when I should be studying, God!!!111!!!


MAN SIZED RINGS OF SMOKE

Buried in my tub with
eyes full of smoke.
I cough, its the proof that I am alive.
Life was a nuisance,
death ain't no better.
I guess I'm bored.
My back hurts so do my knees.
Is it real, or all just in my head.
Tonight I die, take you with me.
Is it a ride that you want?
Gouge out my eyes, ease the pain.
Take my life, its all I got anyways.
There is so much light I can't see,
All the air, I can't breathe.
I desire the darkness.
No one to bother me except my thoughts.
And the voices they whisper in my ears,
tall claims and false lies.
Take me somewhere I can't hear them.
And if it all fails,
take my life away.
I have been dead so long,
unnoticed and unmourned.
I speak the words they put in my head,
see only what they show.
They tell me life is but a dream.
Pry my eyes open, please
Wake me up.

How do I live?

I just close my eyes
and blow man sized rings of smoke.

A message for the One they call God

If its a painless death that you offer,
I am willing to take it.
I fear pain and not death.
I am ready to move on.
I'm bored with this world,
with having to work,
with trying not to work.

I am bored with my life
and your's too.
Why was I made?
if only to be stuck here?
I don't wanna live anymore.
Not many thoughts I have anyways.
I have listened to all the music I wanted.
Played all the games.
have cried all I must
and pondered on everything I thought worth thinking.
There is nothing more left for me in this world.

Maybe love, maybe hope, but I exist without and will
do so forever.
I can't take pain anymore.
No poems can I write anyways.
not that I am much of a writer either.

Don't know my own thoughts,
can't see my own thoughts can't see my own dreams,
can't hear my own voice.

I don't seek solace
nor to be comforted,
only to be understood.
which is quite hard
and the poem quite emo I know.
Can't put my head into anything anyways
if there is a problem I just disintegrate.
Why must responsibility be forced onto me?

I smoke,
I hope I die a quick painful death.
Not that it'll change the world anyways.

I 'm totally ineffective as is
my thoughts are best left unsaud
my aspirations none.
I'm counting the days of my life left.

I have seen my futures and can't say I await them.
I just sleep and hope I never wake up.

So in the end nothing much, but these days I have my hands full with work all those courses n meanie profs, I'll lucky to get outta here alive n in One Piece. Anyways till later then :P

A collection of poems(mostly love themed, and quite similiar also, wrote them some time in my first year)

The Songwriter
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1)
I write a poem,
a beautiful poem about you
on a piece of paper
and throw it away.
There it goes,
with it my heart
through the same twists and turns,
slow and fast,
to where the breeze carries it
it strikes the ground,
it doesn't, but my heart shatters,
into a million fragments.
This is an Ode to you,
O My Love,
as you go with the man you love.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2)
Glass shatters and hearts break,
winds howl, the tides grow and ebb.
The fire burns and the sheets burn
As in some hearts, love smoulders on
whatever happens, will happen
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
yeah these make no sense even to me.

SAUNTERING TO SCHOOL

Sauntering to school, I see
a wretched beggar shivering with cold
his clothes are tattered
I wonder if there are more patches or fabric
He gracefully covers himself with
torn linen

Someone might have used it to wipe dry his shoes
to comfort him, I approach
Wiping tears, shrugging himself
he tries his best to smile
instead of words he
puts the bowl between his and my hearts



Proof that I really have changed despite maintianing a facade that I am the same as I ever was :P
One of my most beautiful and probably really sorrowful poems, me thinks.
Not only because of the theme, but because I really have changed.
I really meant what I wrote about beggars, now I think of them as a nuisance, I don't feel for the poor anymore, maybe because I have grown up. Maybe this is the price of growing up.

An update maybe this is.
Havn't posted for quite some time now.
Basically I hav been away from my computer for quite some time now.
But anyways today I was missing it a lot, my fingers were aching to write and I was sorta in the mood( as I often get, when I wanna write) but couldn't think of a single thing to write.
Anyways I found this amazing( for only me, but then that is what this blog is all about :D) collection of poems the first of which dates wayy back to my eight class. Anyways will publish some of them rite now.

HER-STORY


We hear so many histories all the time, around every corner. Everyone seems to have a version of their own. Yet they are not the only stories that exist. Muted and ignored, exist other stories, like the rustling of tree-leaves in a gale, the tears of a mother in epic wars. These stories, often never told otherwise promptly forgotten, are her stories.
Pay attention because I am going to narrate such a tale to you. You must have heard this tale before in many forms and under many names. Yet this is different. It is a tale of hope, of tribulations and a quest for redemption. Let me take you there.......

"Please don't drink". He snatched the glass from her. "For God's sake this is the first month of your pregnancy, you are about to become a mother please don't do this. For the sake our child. Don't drink, don't smoke. He is yet to be born. "
"What if ...." his voice trailed off.
That was just few months ago but it seemed like centuries ago. She thought.
But those were the good salad days. Before they had that test done. Her in-laws had wanted a baby in the very first year of their marriage, that she wanted to concentrate on her career was absolutely not considered important. "Besides,' her father-in-law said"it is the duty of a daughter-in-law to give the family a few children and then devote her life to taking care of her husband and children."
The test, it is a crime she had told them,"yes" his in-laws had agreed, "but how will anyone know," they had countered. Besides, her mother-in-law said, "I know that you are bringing home a grandson for me, I just want to be sure." She had said in her best voice.
Reluctantly she had agreed. The results came out. She was as tense as she had been in giving exams in her school. It was a girl. At first they all seemed to be consoling like she really had failed a test. Then suddenly one day, her mother-in-law floated an idea on the dinner table.

Her mother-in-law was very adamant. "I deserve to have a grandson not another granddaughter like from the other bahu who had only given her only three daughters, and not a single son."
She said she had not a lot of life left in her, the Lord would take her away any day, she couldn't wait much longer. Also she didn't want anymore grand-daughters, there already were so many of them that she didn't even remember all their names.

She called her mother secretly. She started crying as soon as she called, her mother was very troubled "Why are you crying?" She asked her. "What's wrong tell me?"
She poured her heart out. Her mother had stiffened after hearing the whole story. "You have to do it," she told her. "You have no choice, and I can't interfere in any way. After all we are not related anymore. His mother is now your mother. Not me."
"But mother you have to protect me. You must understand me.” “No you have to understand beti, I can't do anything, my hands are tied.” “But mother, even you are a mother, can't you understand another mother's plight?" Even her mother started crying now. "I do beti, I do but you must understand me and you will one day, I am sure. When your brother brings home a bahu, even I will want a grandson...."

She tried to make them reason, doesn't her daughter deserve to live, to see this world with her own eyes? But he didn't listen to her, it is not a daughter till it is born.
One day, he came to explain "we want a son." He tried to act reasonable and tell her this.
"When was it decided that we want a son and not a child" she asked him angrily. "It is not as if I don't feel pained," he again said reasonably, but his voice shaking with the struggle to control his anger. He wanted to hit her, shut her up, make her realise who the boss really was. Maybe he loved her, but it was all getting very ambiguous. What she called the daughter was still only a month old and had no consciousness of its own.
"Pain, you feel?"She was now shouting, "You brute, what do you feel? Your own daughter, and you want her dead! Pained he says. It is beyond you to feel."
He slapped her, an error of judgment on his part, but he couldn't control it. Already she earned more than him, his boss in his own office. He was the laughing stock of the community, a joru ka ghulam and now a daughter.... why people will start questioning if he really was a man. She had controlled him so brutally but now he will show her what stuff was he made of.

She was forced into going to the Clinic. She tried to resist for some time, but after being bullied and beaten up, she couldn't take it anymore. They put her in a car and dragged her all the way, maybe they wanted to kill the baby in her womb. She had just sat in the car and cried all the time, and asked herself the same questions again and again... the same thoughts in her head...."How can anyone else take decisions for her? Was a girl-child not a child? Was she in any way an inferior being?"

She was forced onto to the operation table, drugged so she might not feel as her child died. In the drug-induced stupor, she could feel her womb being violated and found herself utterly powerless to take any action..... However, she could see now. She could hear them now. The cries of the woman being beaten by her husband. The screams of the burning bride who couldn't pay her dowry,the moans of the young girl being raped by her uncle, the sobs of the daughter, not loved by her own parents. Not just that, she could even feel. The uneasiness of the secretary alone with her lecherous boss, the country belle who wanted to learn how to read like her brother, the woman tilling the fields with so many mouths to feed, a drunk for a husband and an infant on her back.......
Her story wasn't just her own story, everyone's story was her story. She couldn't just leave them as they were, pained and exploited. It was her responsibility.
Despite all the progress and all the talk of equality that goes on, something was definitely wrong.
She could feel the pain of a planet of women and it was indistinguishable from hers.... Could nothing be done? Was there no way to reduce their pain and suffering?
She could not change thousands of years of wrongs in her brief life-span. But yet a lot could be done.
Ages of prejudices don't disappear in thin air, but with hard work and trust the impossible could be achieved. No one else should have to undergo the same trial as she, no one else's daughter should suffer the same fate as her own. Everyone is unique and this fact needs to be realized. No one is a substitute for another. There is only one me, she thought. But the same doubt arose in her head again. What can she do alone? How can she overcome such a formidable adversary, when she could not save her own womb? Then she realized, she was not alone. All the women whose pain was her were one with her.
Alone she might not be able to do anything but together with everyone, the odds favored her.
When she came to consciousness again she was lying on the operation table. The familiar weight of where her daughter used to be was no longer there. She no longer existed inside her. “They had taken her from me,” she said aloud and couldn't stop the tears that began flowing. She crouched into a fetal position, crying. Suddenly her tears stopped. She looked outside the window, the sun was rising. The dawn of a new day. She had lost her daughter, but a birth had taken place in the abortion clinic. She had been born, again. She stared defiantly into the sun. It was going to be a glorious new day. I didn't see it, but I think there was the hint of a smile on her lips.

LOVE

How can you know love
without the infinite pain of solitude?

You wither and fade
until a shell is left,
hollow yet full of emptiness...

And who has known love
without being severed, cut and yet seeemigly whole.

An echo is all i hear,
even when nothing is there.
Shadows are all my perceptions
devoid of form, of purpose.

Dark might be the path I tread on
but I know one day we'll meet
and there still is hope.



Very short for a poem. But surprise, surprise a SONNET yipeeee!!!!!
I am maturing as a poet though I know I promised no more poems to myself.
But I was sitting in my room and the words started screaming in my head and I just had to let them out( if you know what I mean).
Thanx to a coupla drunks(mind my brothers, guys I have a lot of regard for, so don't get any funny ideas) in my room, I was unable to do anything quickly.
Thus I couldn't recollect all of it and had to alter the form a bit. I even lost a few words.
Had that not happened, it would have been a spectacular poem, now its just its own poor cousin.
But then life's not about the ifs in any case, which when I think about, is what this poem is really all about.

Hmm...
edited bloody sunday( didn't like the name anyways i guess :P)
renamed and sum grammar( thank god for that)

Bloody Sunday I wrote for a lit comptt in my insti
If you, the reader comes across this blog, please pray to God that I may win.
That is if you liked the story.
I have never been published and I desperately want to be.

My 15 mintues of Immortality

Boring life. Hardly a bank account. Then.....Blood cancer. Last stage. A month left at maximum. Not an impressive resume by any standards. Even for a rookie assassin.
Ah there I am getting ahead of myself again! Old habit of mine for which I sincerely apologize.
Since my tale is long let me do it full justice, and start with the beginning.
It starts with me.
Once upon a time or so it seems now, I was a simple happy go lucky kid. I was never upto no good, I admit, but then I wasn't a bad guy, really. For all we know, I might have been you.
Then something happened, something that I am sure will not happen to you. I mean it might but the odds are very low.
One night I coughed blood.
I was rushed to a nearby hospital, where I had to undergo a flurry of medical tests.
Finally the Doctor came to my room, stood on my doorway. After sometime he started nervously pacing in my room, all around me. This finally started getting on my nerves. I asked what the problem was. The doctor, no I mean the Doctor started crying. “I have cancer”, somehow he managed. “Then why are You crying?” I asked him. “You're my first patient who is going to die. In 27 days give or take a few.”I tried rationalizing, maybe the patient would survive. “No, last stage no chance at all.” By now he had buried his face in my chest and was positively bawling.
The realization that I was the one who was going to die hit me after some time. I was watching sports on TV, then suddenly they announced such and such World Cup 31 days to go. Only.It then hit me and hit me hard. My days were numbered.
The way we go about our lives is pretty amazing. I doubt that any young person has ever given serious thought to death. Maybe because we'll all somehow cheat death. Maybe because our days are numbered anyways.
You know how we often say that when death closes in, the world a lot more beautiful a place to live in. Poetic rubbish. Didn't happen to me. Maybe because I was not in the Hilton but the City Hospital. Maybe because I am a pessimist. But maybe, just maybe because I was frigging dying you know.
There however was not a lot to appreciate in the world I live in. Well there were the curves on my nurse...... But it was not like she'd give a dying patient any.
I would lie in my bed and hear the tick of the clock. Every second would be one lesser. My dreams were of giant hourglasses getting inverted just before running out.
It was around this time that an idea developed in my mind. My friends had come to me on a visit. Ostensibly to encourage me to spend the rest of my days in peace and happiness. As if. It reminded me of the practice of giving consolation prizes. Please don't cry but you lost.
Suddenly I was shouting at them at the top of my voice. Most of it was too explicit to reproduce here. But in gist I reminded the clowns that even their days were numbered. They were so freaked out. You should have seen. Mouths ajar, teared eyes.
Then I was reprimanded, for reminding them of their impending doom. One of them, a girl I rather liked earlier called me a horrible man and asked me to fear God as I was gonna see him soon.
“Well I be damned honey, but so are all of you. Wasn't it God who in his infinite wisdom had decided that I have leukemia?”
Long after everyone had left, I began thinking and an idea started to gain form. I was about to die, in life a total failure, there was so much I wanted to do. I will die and then after me, everyone else will. Everyone will. There must be something that I could do.
A world without a Prime mover. A universe without a Ruler. The Ruler. The One you call God.
I thought of God as a violent thorn on my side. A huge boulder on my path. I had to remove him.
I had to kill God.
The next question was how.
How do you kill God? How indeed? I mean I can't take a chainsaw and randomly slash around.
But to kill God, I needed something more. Finesse artists call it. Skill. Otherwise any grunt with a sword could have done that ages ago.
Most importantly was needed a way to actually reach him. The biggest problem was then to somehow reach the other side of the pearly gates, with hope of return. Once in heaven you could see God. If you could see someone, theoretically, you could kill someone.
It'd seem funny for someone your age, but remember this golden rule.
When in doubt Google.
Before long, a way opened up.
A near death experience.
I had to stray very close to death and then return. In the meanwhile, I'll reach the ethereal world. I'd have to become briefly free of my body, an aatma. God after all is param aatma.
As the fragile shell of emotions that I am, I hardly stood a chance. But freed of the burden, I'd say I stand a decent chance. After all a param aatma is still an aatma.
However much you dislike God, you have to give him that he is a brilliant tactician.
The people he put in Hell are the ones who have already enjoyed life to some extent.
Otherwise, the people who suffered miserably throughout their lives, the ones who cursed His Majesty and then prayed for forgiveness, called him names. They have been lodged in Heaven. Effectively nipping any rebellions in the bud.
Had he done the opposite, he'd have been overthrown. Imagine all the oppressors, sinners in Heaven. All the meek, cowardly oppressed people in Hell. His Kingdom would have been overthrown several times over by now.
I'd say He believes in the adage, Keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer.
You have to agree that for a supposedly Divine Being, God does have a really bloated ego.
Look at a typical inmate in Hell. Maybe he/she(question are there any women in Hell? In that case Hell might not be such a bad place after all)was a sloth, or killed or oppressed others, maybe committed adultery or some such thing.
Now Our Lord in Heaven is the One who killed Humans, wiped out dinos even. Even the puny bacterium have not escaped his wrathful eye. On the balance I'd say that God is the biggest tyrant ever.
I mean we're talking about a person who killed his own son.
Its almost as if God can't bear it when anyone else behaves like him. Its like only God may wear Gucci, for everyone else... fig-leaves.
So lets not digress from the tale anymore. Where was I ? Ah! Yes my plan. It was simple.
I was going to slit my wrists 15 minutes before the Doctor came on his checkup rounds for me. Meanwhile, I'll be able to escape my body. Go, find, eliminate God.
Then the Good Doctor will revive me. I'll do away with death. I started becoming heady with my dreams of my future. I'll be a Hero. How my parents will look at me. Everyone will suddenly be talking of me. I'll be the Greatest hero ever for all living beings. Imagine no deaths. Wow.
I decided to do it the coming Sunday. After all God was bound to be in heaven on a Sunday.
When Sunday came I couldn't keep my eyes away from the watch and my hands from the knife I had managed to procure.
At exactly 11:50 I slit my wrists. In all my excitement I don't remember feeling any pain initially. But then it came. I was writhing upon my bed. Make the blood flow stop my body was screaming. Its end so near. But I wouldn't hear of it. Now was the time to be strong.
Brave.
Then everything started dissolving. Muddied. Darkness. Pitch-black.
And then I saw it. The light at the end of the tunnel.
I was standing at the Pearly Gates. I entered inside. Suddenly I had this thrill. I thought so this is what heaven is. It was a nice place, I must say.
The place was silent as a grave. I had expected, infact counted on some resistance. There had been no-one. Had God in a crazy rampage killed everyone?
Then suddenly in front of me was... My mother. Yeah dude, I'm not kidding. My very own mother. I had been expecting a movieish showdown with a Sauron or Morgoth type. Not being yelled at by my mom.
“Mom” I said, “whatever opinion you have of me, I am doing the only right thing.”
“Am I stopping you?” She asked me.
“No. Listen are you God?”
Half-smiling, she asked me, “are you not?”
“If I didn't understand your reply mother, its not just because of the generation gap you know.”
“No”, she smiled. “Haven't you heard, there is God inside all of us. “
“I have always heard that there is Evil inside all of us.” I replied.
“Always funny, no doubt, always funny.” My mother said.
“Listen God, this is a cheap trick you know, impersonating my mother. I wouldn't kill you now. Though you should die once at least.”
But now I got to return to my body. I hardly have a minute more
Suddenly she looked sad. “About your body...”
“What?” I was suddenly terrified to the very edges of my existence. “Well see it for yourself.”
The Good Doctor was on one knee, proposing his undying love to the Fair Nurse. The Nurse, smiled coyly and said yes. She had always been in love with the Doctor and thought he never noticed. In midst of all this lovemaking my body lay forgotten by its primary care-givers.
In a room not far, a body stopped writhing. It even stopped breathing.
“I am dead.” I said.
“Are you?” she asked me.
It didn't feel like dying. It didn't feel like anything.
“Mom” I said, “I'm sorry that I turned out to be such a disappointment in life.”
“You were not.” She said.
“Really. I have never been any good. I hardly earned.”
“Since when has a mother's love been measured in currency? Or bartered away like a vulgar commodity?” She counter-questioned.
“You have been my sole greatest achievement and all you needed to do was to get conceived.”
Instead of getting pacified, the trauma in me welled up. My anger intensified
“That is all fine for you to say God. You will never have to die. Can you even imagine the infinite pain of death?”
These were the death pangs of my anger.
She again smiled. “What makes you think I don't suffer? Every moment. The destruction of even the most insignificant being. I die along with them. I have died a countless deaths. And in the Human wars? I suffer pain. Grievous, infinite, unimaginable pain. Indeed I might have been vanquished by the pain of it all and ceased to exist.”
“But,” I tentatively asked.
“But for,” she smiled, “the joy of birth. The birth of each and every miraculous creature in my kingdom Ah! The joy of it. The moment of creation”.
“So, on the balance you feel nothing at all.” I said.
She smiled. “Yes on the balance, I am very much like you. After all, I am you.”
A brief moment passed.
“What now?”
“Well do anything you wish.”
“Anything I wish?” I repeated, somewhat confused.
“Well I have a wishing well and a theoretically infinite supply of nickels.” She smiled.
If you wish.
“Oh and by the way, do meet Dirac. Fellow's been doing a lot of interesting work here. You ought to pay him a visit.”

Me Dad

When I last saw me dad, he was crying. He told me. Now here we are and he is no more. I guess the question for me isn't whether or not was he a good man, but did I love him? I think I do... and thus he began telling me a tale ever bit as incredible as any I ever heard.
It was a long time ago...
Dad, I can't do this. I can't marry her.
But son we all did that, didn't we all have our own love stories, we were all attracted to someone or the other... but then we did what our parents told us. You are a fine young man it is but natural that you'll be attracted to people of other sex. But that isn't reason enough to become a rebel....
The son thought for some time, Dad it ain't that simple, his dad laughed c'mon son, how hard could it be, we all have been through this phase of life, tell me about it...
He pondered over what he was about to say, then he began, Dad I think you won't understand but I'll still take a chance after all you're my father how hard could that be. Dad that thing about attraction well I am, but it isn't all that simple, actually, the thing is, I am not attracted to any girl, I am attracted to other guys...
His father was suddenly stern, what did you say right now? See dad hadn't I told you that you won't understand? But this is the fact I did not like any of the girls you folks set me up with, I have never felt sexual attraction of any kind for any woman, ever. I am attracted to other guys.
The father seemed to be at a loss to understand anything, but you have always been surrounded by girls many girls. He smiled they were friends Dad. All of them. They were all about other guys, and if a guy was attracted to them I would give them the occasional tip, and so on. They were good friends dad. Most still are.
Well... I... I don't understand, son I read that people who are molested in their childhood become homosexuals when they grow up, if I ever, I am sorry.
Don't be ridiculous dad, you are the best dad a guy could hope for. That is just a rumor, and you've always been perfect for me.
Homosexuals get AIDS, another misconception, AIDS isn't a divine recrimination for people who are promiscuous, promiscuousness may increase chances of getting AIDS that's all.
But this thing about getting attracted to another guy, I don't understand perhaps you could explain...
I don't claim to be an expert but I'll try me best to explain as well as I can.
I don't think that attraction for a guy is any different from attraction for a girl.
But dad asked, see a guy and a girl they fulfill a purpose, they can procreate, continue their bloodlines... but this is unnatural, this is wrong no religion considers it right, it is a criminal offense in many countries....
It is considered to be a kind of mental illness.
Had sexuality of this kind been common it would have been in the rest of the world too, I think it is just a media propaganda... of some kind.
Well I'll tell you what I know. First homosexuality has been around, as long as for ever... it is definitely not a mental illness, that is just a dark ages propaganda, just like the witch-hunting of middle ages.
Only the three Semitic religions have openly spoken out against it that is Jews, Christians and Muslims, then again their books hardly say anything, homosexuality was called a sin by the religious guy but then they were sure that earth is at the center of the universe, most still are...
About animals, well generally homosexuality has been noticed generally in higher animals,but the animals displaying significant homosexual behavior are penguins(who are known to mate for life and make nests, and rear rocks) , dolphins, higher primates, all kinds of cattle, sheep and of course humans.
Homosexuality was practiced by armies of Greece, who believed that a man will fight better if the men fighting alongside him are the one he loved. Homosexual love has been described in the Bible, know David? The one who killed Goliath with a stone. Well there's the story of David and Johnathan who was the son of Saul King of Israel, whose daughter David married, the David who later became the King David father of King Solomon.
Attraction is abstract, it is independent. It doesn't care.
If you ask me why am I attracted to a guy and not a girl, well I have no answers?
But then why is anyone attracted to anybody else? I agree it could just be a sexual infatuation, but who decided that a man can only love a woman and vice versa? We have the choice to ourselves, who to love and whom to care is not and should not be decided by anyone else. It makes me sick, the amount of persecution that we have to face just because we make such a simple choice, why couldn't people try and understand?
Dad then said, Son I think that people have this tendency, that every one should be like them, especially when I look at you I think you should be the way I was and my parents before....
But Dad no one is anyone else. Ain't that true. Gibran said “your children are not your children.”
But I still don't understand.
Dad let me explain. A guy sees a girl, and gets attracted to her. Now how does that happen? When a person is attracted to someone else sexually what does it mean?
Many perfectly “straight” people are opposed to the very idea of their females being the active partner in a sexual session, but there are other who will role-play and try bondage with straitjackets, handcuffs etc. Many people swap partners, have orgies while others are true to each till the very end.
What decides that monogamous love with the female as the passive partner is the only noble love and others are just wrong?
So what do these difference mean? Well for one we are all different, we are not equal, we are not a crowd, Hell we aren't even We. We are all unique, hence we are individuals.
But that is a topic for a different time.
What I mean is that it definitely is not wrong to be attracted to anybody, its a person's own choice, totally, completely.
It is unnatural, it is not wrong, it is not a disease, it definitely is not a crime, its been around for ages (well almost as long as Eve ate that apple and gave in to her temptation(like its such a hot fuss to get tempted!))
and if we don't give a damn wonder why the rest of the world does?
His father looked deep in anguish, as if hurt deeply.
Then controlling himself, he said with some difficulty though, I ... never loved your mother. She was a good wife to me, loved me, cared for my kid, and was faithful, she was an angel, but I never loved her. We tried but I hardly felt any sexual attraction for her all my life. We hardly had ever made love, and she was still faithful. I cared for her, but like a friend, and now you've inherited my condition, the same disease as me, I am sorry son, I know even God will never forgive me for the way I rejected the love of my wife. But I just couldn't, I tried, we tried, nothing worked, how many candle-light dinners we had it never sorted itself out. I am sorry son, I am very very sorry, I am your culprit. I am sorry.
Dad, dad stop, he held his dad's hand. Stop it now, stop it now. I want you to listen to me, very carefully, listen to me DAD YOU DON'T HAVE A DISEASE, IT'S NOT A DISEASE. Its a simple choice. Dad tell me how do you like your eggs? Hard-boiled. I like them poached. Its a choice, as simple as that, now do I cry that I don't like omelletes like everyone else? Do you? Its just a choice.
Its just a choice? His dad said. You know my dad called me queer, locked me in my room, then in the basement. He beat me up everyday, even my mother stopped talking to me. I ... was branded, by my dad. Came from work, drunk, came into my room, with this burning iron-poker in this hand, he beat me with it.
I had to say yes, I had no choice.
Dad, its there in the past, gone. Its over. Its gone. Its no more.
I loved my dad, I was so sorry to let him down. Dad, hey dad. Its okay. He could be forgiven? Maybe, said my dad.
Give me an argument, please, I need one.
Okay will do, do you know Oscar Wilde, famous playwright? Yes, suppose so. Well he was a homosexual. So he was tried and I remember this dialog, that took place then.
There was this man C.F.Gill who was examining him in the trial.
Gill: What is "the love that dares not speak its name?"

Wilde: "The love that dares not speak its name" in this century is such a great affection of an elder for a younger man as there was between David and Jonathan, such as Plato made the very basis of his philosophy, and such as you find in the sonnets of Michelangelo and Shakespeare. It is that deep spiritual affection that is as pure as it is perfect. It dictates and pervades great works of art, like those of Shakespeare and Michelangelo, and those two letters of mine, such as they are. It is in this century misunderstood, so much misunderstood that it may be described as 'the love that dares not speak its name', and on that account of it I am placed where I am now. It is beautiful, it is fine, it is the noblest form of affection. There is nothing unnatural about it. It is intellectual, and it repeatedly exists between an older and a younger man, when the older man has intellect, and the younger man has all the joy, hope and glamour of life before him. That it should be so, the world does not understand. The world mocks at it, and sometimes puts one in the pillory for it."
Dad its okay.
His father, was now crying inconsolably, son, could you do something for me?
Anything dad, sure, anything. Whatever you want. He smiled as he said this. Anything.
Son... please kiss me as if you mean to...

Three Sides of A Coin

The two sides of a coin... the same yet so different.
So I asked myself again, should I do it or not? A little voice awoke inside me and said well you'll fail anyways... and then there awoke another voice, of reason saying, wtf is the point anyways? For future reference lets call them Sad and Skeptic respectively.
So anyways one fine day, Sad and Skeptic were staring into the void. You know maybe we could at least get out of the bed, yeah totally but whats the point? Skeptic said.
We could do something new like go fishing or learn how to swim hell even do a few assignments, said a new voice. They both turned, and... there was a new kid in town, lets call him Upbeat, or you can totally call him NKIT and he surely won't mind.
Are you lost, questioned Skeptic or maybe sick, offered Sick.
No I am new in these parts, he replied.
So are we getting up or not? He asked cheerfully? Up! Dued Why would we wanna get up? Well its a new day. It would only bring more sorrows, so its a lot better if I remain in bed, maybe the day would just, you know pass and the next will come. So, okay what will we do when the next day comes? Would you just let it pass you by? NKIT asked, Skeptic looked at Sad unbelievingly, rolled his eyes and said, well dude obviously the next day will come again! Till we die, said Sad mournfully.
What if, and here Upbeat took a divinely long pause, you never die? Well then all the more better, figure I don't have to get up to eat or drink, said Skeptic skeptically(how else?). No you misunderstand me said Upbeat, what if I tell you that you're never gonna die? That sure did make lotsa folks happy, he continued....
At this point Sad interjected, I would be old and alone and have this huge beard, there would be humans on the planet because they'll will leave for intergalactic travel, and I'll be alone lying on a bed what will I do then? Not that I am very proud of it, but let me tell you said Skeptic I would be right here on this bed lying with you. Now at this point NKIT tried to say something but Skeptic said, dude did you not hear that one about how twos a company threes a crowd?
Hey relax guys I am only here to help you.
And the glass is half full? Questioned Skeptic.
Okay guys trust me just this once. Get out of this bed and move around and move around a bit and I'll leave if you think I made no difference. Skeptic looked at Sad, They got out of the bed and dove right back in. Bye Bye said Sad live us with our miserable lives... why do you worry anyways? Yeah Good bye Hope I never see you again. But I shouldn't get my hopes up.
Anyways Upbeat finally got them up dressed and moving, they stepped on the threshold and the sun's rays fell on them. Holy Son of... screamed Skeptic it burns!!!!! Maybe we'll all get Skin Cancer and die painful deaths Sad said miserably. Maybe Upbeat would be burned by the Sun.
So after lotsa deliberations they finally headed out, debating amongst themselves. Where do we go on now? Lets go where our hearts take us! Upbeat said gleefully. He's nuts, commented Skeptic. So anyways the Heart was asked where he wanted to go. He said something but it was not very clear, people anyways find it hard to listen to their hearts anyways. So they randomly wandered for some time and just about the time they were about to head back to the comfort of the bed............. Excuse me, they turned.
The source of this commotion was a Pretty Young Thing whom we can call PYT, mind you she will mind, but she ain't gonna know is she?
This now really complicated the matters, so it was decided to let Skeptic deal with the PYT. Now Skeptic wasn't really a pro in these delicate matters but you're only as good as your best man, aren't you?
So anyways, Skeptic didn't really have a response to that particular statement, so he settled for the wittiest reply of them all “ Duh!” She smiled at the bold strategy and said “ Well hello” Now this one was positively trying to strike up a conversation, could it be avoided asked Skeptic to Sad, no, we're doomed forever anon replied Sad. Skeptic replied to her “ Well hello you” much in the same vein as say “ Well f*** you”. The PYT now tried an entirely new approach “ I need help”, this one was a no-brainer, Skeptic replied “ I am sure you'll find someone.” The duo was already celebrating their victory over the PYT, damn they had done the impossible, that's when Upbeat spoke out of turn ”Can I be of some assistance?”
Well I need to get to this address. She forwarded a piece of paper Sad opened his mouth to explain that though he did want to help, he didn't know this address, that's when Upbeat replied, Sure I am actually headed that way, mind taking a walk, its just a short distance from here!
So where do you live? Well I am just across the street of this address. Do you believe in fate? Don't you think we were actually destined to meet? Dude suxxor, I mean that's like the lamest thing I ever heard in my life, at this point Upbeat again got there first, Yeah I do, I think that there's a plan for all us, its not you know Heavenly, it could be, but I think that there is just a Plan, for everyone its not very clear but it exists.
You think so? She smiled, I couldn't agree more.
Do you believe in God? Do you, suddenly asked Sad, who had been till now been very quiet.
Well, I guess I do! She smiled. And why precisely? Well because he created us and every one, and he created Fate to give us chances like these to improve ourselves. Yes and because nothing ever happens against his will.
What about you? She asked. I don't know replied Sad, if you'd asked me a few a years ago I'd have said Yes I do, but now...
Did something happen? She inquired. No Hell is it necessary for something to happen, and my point is nothing happens... ever. Absolutely nothing. So how do I know if life is not just a series of random events one leading to the other why is it necessary to have this notion of an underlying bed-rock of Certainty. What if there is none? I sometimes think isn't God a creation of our fears? Isn't it somewhat a big-daddy who will protect us from evils and give us food? One can go on to say that the foundation of the creation of God is fear itself. And about Fate, it affects me as much as it affects a fluttering feather floating in air.
There some reason why Quantum Mechanics is the way world is. The universe is not deterministic, there is no plan, there is no God, there is no reality, there is in short... nothing.
Whoa, watch it said Upbeat. Now you can't go on saying whatever you feel like. If you think your birth was a cosmic accident I'll agree, but as for me I know who created me I was created by God. What about Big-bang? The universe was created from nothingness and made into this infinite universe.
Sad replied sorrowfully, ever seen a river... flowing it looks so ordered, a stream of blue all going in the same direction. Yet is you look closely, it ain't so ordered, its restless, particles flowing in ever which direction. That's why potential theories fail, because they can't be applied. There is no order, but Chaos and chaos creating a fragile impression of order. But its frail very fragile and once disturbed, can be disturbed and distorted totally giving something totally else, remember that the next time you smoke.
About Big bang, then my friend.. its a theory not fact... the only proof being the uniform background radiation, well it only means that the universe is isotropic, and that could be because if the universe is infinite then it would obviously be isotropic, whatever local differences there might be would get sorted over the infinite spectrum....
“Wtf” suddenly said the PYT, she was looking at me very strangely what are you she asked, as if the question wasn't insulting enough her tone definitely was the icing on the cake. Excuse me, I said. You.. you talk to yourself, you're mad or something and to think I was taking a walk with you what if you had slit my throat or something that mad-men do? I will tell my dad about it? I'm getting away from you nutter.
Hey wait, I said, I don't understand what you are saying. Oh now you don't understand me, you talk, no debate your own self, and talk strange. You believe that God exists and you also believe that God doesn't no you're not sane.. you are hardly a human... and as soon as that she was gone.
Skeptic was the first to recover from the shock. Now why was that? Who knows. Said Sad.
Well said Upbeat I am headed back to the bed, who wants to race? Well keep your hopes up, personally I am skeptic of you ever winning the race, said Skeptic. Sad just smiled.

The Pessimist

I am a pessimist. I mean the “I don't comb my hair” kind, what is the the point really?
Not the sort of person who brightens up parties just by “being there”, if you know what I mean.
Quite the contrary actually.
So this came as a real surprise, an invitation, to a real party, well that was a first. The folks throwing the party must be real optimists, the half-full glass kind, I guess.
Now the way I looked at it, I would have rather turned up at a funeral for all the fun that I might have, but then I thought, lets give the poor fellow a chance, turn up, after all God Himself said Do A SINGLE good deed and I'll forgive ALL your SINS, or something like that, but that's not the point really.
There was a time I remember when I wouldn't bother to return greetings, what's the point really in useless social rituals?
I should have been a vampire that would have kept people off, but I listened to Classical Rock which is like the second best thing, though you don't really get to change into a bat(that would have been sorta cool though), but people really avoid you, so I am almost there, I have been trying to get bitten but turns out most bats don't give a damn about my blood...
Anyways back to the party... there was no point in turning up or even getting dressed... but then there was no point in getting out of the bed also...
So I turned up there, then I noticed something, other people had packages in their hands, wtf anyways I remembered that it was a b'day party, so I needed a b'day gift damn that was outrageous if I had only known. The nerve of them, not only they expect me to turn up, they expect gifts as well. Now had I been blessed with brains this would be the point where I would return back home and try to get some sleep, not really sleep being the insomniac that I am...
Anyways whatever human interaction virus I had caught was pretty strong so I thought I would get a gift, hand it over and run like hell... that was the plan anyways...
Now I almost reached the Gift-Shop almost without any major accident. So I was crossing this dark lane when I hear Help!!! and there's this incredibly beautiful girl being robbed, so I was no Superman and the robber seemed to be one, so it was a no-brainer, her knight in shimmering armor would arrive soon enough, so on the balance there was no reason to get Karma on my own two hands, especially considering the number of cups I had broken, finally I had to buy steel cups.. but they always leak and a coffee isn't the same in them...
But that is again not the point... so I let Karma happen and went to the Gift-Shop.
When I returned outside, I saw the Girl was standing there waiting for someone. Ever so incredibly she had suddenly started moving towards me... well at least in the same general direction as I was, so on instinct I turned left and she followed so anyways, I turned again and again in the narrow by lanes but she struck on like Dahaka. Now on my day I have even defeated the Dahaka, but today I neither had the Water Sword nor did I even have my analog stick, so I was pretty much screwed, finally by a twist of fate( I have heard that there are writers, of flesh and blood who actually use this phrase, how lame!!!) I was standing at the very same spot as the girl was while being robbed... I had meddled with Karma by not touching it.....
So anyways she caught up with me pretty soon.
I don't have a lot of money but I do have this present its anyways for people I don't really give a damn about... please take it lemme go and I would never ever go to a party. Hell I'd get a proxy for my marriage.
So the girl asks me Why didn't you help me? I mean okay so I am a boy so does that mean every time a girl screws up I rush to her aid? If you're thinking so then Surely You're Mistaken... Nevermind.
So when was it last when you combed your hair? She asked me suddenly. Well yesterday. I mean there was a day such that I had combed my hair yesterday...
So you don't meddle with Karma? That a philosophy of your life? Well actually the philosophy of my life is I don't give a damn...
Why are your eyes so soggy and your skin looks bleached? Well obviously its been a month since I last saw the sun what less do you expect?
Why are you not out in the sun? Well obviously because its damn too hot? In October? Well it was hot a month ago, and with all that Global Warming... who knows??
So we chatted for some bit anyways I remembered the party and the 499.95 present in my hand. What is it? She asked me. Its a video-game. Who are you giving this to? A classmate.
So tell me, what kinda music you listen to? I don't. Hey why are you so defensive, unless you listen to dash-dash-dash( what if i get a defamation suit). Well here it goes, I thought, I listen to classical rock, like Bob Dylan. But ain't he folk rock? Well I mean the whole period I listen from Dylan to the Who...Hang on you know Dylan! Well I listen to him sometimes... I couldn't believe me ears... and Beatles yeah sure... Clapton? do... Dire Straits... intermittently. Floyd... mostly. Barrett( this was too much to hope for but I did ask and held my breath) all the time.... was it a dream. It felt so real... I could see the sun it must be a dream. So well I thought lets go with the flow... So I asked her what do you do when you're not listening to music.. video games.. FPS to MMORPGs'... at this point I thought a girl who listens to Barrett and plays Rise of Nations and F.E.A.R..... do you even exist I asked her and touched well she seemed solid, okay so she was soft and all.... but damn it was no dream at all it reality at its best....
So years later we were getting married and I finally asked her.. Why did you approach me that day anyways? Well she said... I read somewhere that God Himself said Do A SINGLE good deed and I'll REPAY you for it... or something like that but that is not really the point......
SO okay I totally made up that last part... I bought the game and decided I don't give a damn anyways so I went back to my den and hooked up the game... about that girl I don't really know, maybe her knight showed maybe he didn't depends upon the way you look at it...

THE FAMILY



He looked outside the window, the same as ever trees, birds, people with nothing better to do...
He looked at his watch, it was almost time... only an hour to go now.

The explosion tore through the city...

He got out of the house. Dressed to kill, to use the expression. A smile played on his lips, today it would be finished, all over, he would take his daughter, his incredibly beautiful 3 year old daughter and fly away... free from this life of bondage... he didn't like the climate here anyways...

"Papa hungry" his daughter said. He had never refused his daughter, anything ever.
He stopped the truck, asked her to wait there. Minutes later, he was back, bearing an enormous ice-cream in his hand and a package of Swiss chocolates.. have fun he said to her, she smiled, a smile so reminiscent of her mother that he had to fight back a tear... but soon they'll be togehter...

I guess that some people just like to go out with a bang... and if they could take some more people with them, well I guess all the more better for them...

The Pharaohs of Egypt were mummified, and not alone, in the pyramids they were buried with servants and items necessary for them in the afterlife.

The bombing all but destroyed the city-centre, the main hospital, the police station, the fire-station, it had been considered an intelligent idea to put all such important buildings together, but 2000 kgs. of RDX later...
It was an apocalypse of sorts for the residents. When later interviewed the survivors remembered seeing everyone from God to the Little Green Man and held them responsible for such...

Her mother was beautiful, very beautiful and he was just so much in love with her, head over heels... It had taken him years to finally ask her out... She had cried saying that she had stopped hoping that he would ever ask her out... Their courtship had been swift, short and very passionate. Two days later they were married. They didn' t have a lot of money but like many other romantics before them they totally believed that their love would overcome everything. I mean they were in love and good people and God always helped good people didn't he? It was the same routine everyday, one part-time job after other. He claimed their real job was loving each other... but things changed when they had the baby... now he was the only earning member and he had not only earn but also take care of his frail wife. That was when the Grim Reaper, an old family acquintance decided to pay them another visit.
He had cried holding his little child in his arms... he didn't know what to do now, he would have died ofcourse but then there was the child his own daughter, though she didn't look a lot like him was a spiffing image of her mother... he looked at her, and she opened her eyes, closed them, yawned mightily for someone hardly born
and then fell asleep with a smile of contention on her face.
It seemed to him that he might still find happiness...
Then one year later without any warning he showed up at his door... his daughter's father.
He didn't believe it yet though he knew the truth he simply chose not to believe it, not even when he had shown pictures... he had killed him, intelligently enough to make it look like an accident.

Amidst all the ruins lay a man who had suddenly lost everything in his life, he had been terribly wounded and yet miraculously alive, there were people around him who were doing the last thing he wanted them to... save his life, but he hoped he might still die, it happened all the time in the hands of them doctors... why it had happened only three years ago... he closed his eyes and awaited death, but all he could see was his daughter, chocolate smeared on her face, smiling and then... her mother, his wife calling her name, saying she was free for an hour if he cared... of course he did... a smile spread on his face as everything went pitch-black......

Now some clarifications.
The story WE was an idea of ArviKot. But all the work is mine. Actually only the setting of the story is been inherited.
Its a story I m likin more everyday, its got a non-linear plot, its got an open ending, it was totally spontaneous, its got no dialogues, no heavy words, no runon sentences, crisply written... blah blah I didn't know I was so conceited as publicly promoting myself.
The second is the second best in a race of two. But I think it hasn't got so many symbols which make sense only to me as the first one.
The junta might rue the open-endedness of the stories, that amounts to creative oversight on part of the author, I acknowledge that and will definitely make amends before late.
I am though I won't admit it again a greenhorn but I'll learn my craft soon.