MY WORLD

I stare at the blank page with blank thoughts in my head.
It is dark and there is no one around for miles.
Or maybe I'm trapped in a crowd in an alien land where I know no one.
What difference does that make?
I choose to see what I want to see.
And I hear only the words echoing in my mind.
I wonder. Would I just die one day? Would my heart one day, just refuse to beat? I can neither comprehend this nor can I believe this. So what if people die? So what if everyone I cared about is no longer around to hear my silly thoughts. I choose to believe that everyone is still around. Maybe not near me. But definitely not dead. I remember the story my mother used to tell me. When people die they become stars in the sky. Hence it is night for me. Despite the cold mocking sun that shines so brightly. It is night and I can see all my loved ones. They are here. Looking upon me from afar. Twinkling in the night. Or maybe I am blind and can see nothing despite how much I want to. So I just create the images that I want to see in my head. I may be blind but I still can see in my mind. Even if what I see is what I want to see. It is probably better this way. This way I am not alone. As long as I can think, I am alive and with the people I love the most. I choose not to accept the so called realities. This is my conscious decision. This is my free will. Let me give an example. Suppose I jumped from a high rise. Would I die? Of course not. How can I? There is no way I can die. This is because I am more than a random jumble of organic molecules. Gestalt if you will. I am also a viewpoint and a thought stream. As long as my thoughts survive, I will live. They are indestructible. They are changeable. Like a chameleon or a shape-shifter, but they remain. Wait isn't that some conservation law?
Now let me ask a question. What is the proof that I am alive? Aw that was a rhetorical question. But let me answer that. There can absolutely be no proof. Maybe I am just a figment of someone else's imagination. But by the same logic, that someone is also a figment of my imagination. Hence we all are defined recursively. Each and every person's existence depends on the existence of every other person.
Hence if a person stops to exist, that is to say, dies. Everyone else dies. Thus we all are already dead. And every dead person is alive. Which is so to say, no one is either dead or alive.
As countless philosophers have said before, the world is hence just a myth. Or I am just a schizophrenic deluded bastard. What difference does that make?
I just claimed that I have free will. But do I really? Why do I exist in this space and time? And in this ridiculous form? If I really had free will, would I not have chosen a perfecter world for my existence? Or maybe this is why I have free will. I had the will to chose an imperfect world for my existence. That is a choice I made by myself. Thus, even though I do not know my reasons, I exist in this world. Also, I can claim, that by choosing this existence, I created this world. Thus, I cannot die. Because if I die the existence of this space becomes naught. It is hence a prerequisite for the existence of this space, that I must exist. Maybe a bullet in my head will relieve me of my sufferings. That however won't kill me.
It is cold. I am numb with the cold. Or maybe I am cold-blooded. A reptile. Hidden in the shadows. Crawling around. Maybe I am just sick and tired. Tired of my tedious existence. Tired of just existing. Tired of having to breathe, day in and day out.
I close my eyes and I see. A new world. The same, that I see with my eyes open. If it has changed, I cannot discern. I decide that I exist in the same world as everyone else. The same laws govern me as everyone else. But I find that to be a ludicrous argument. There is a barrier around me that separates me from the rest of them.
Love, I say the word out loud. Love mysterious. Love eternal. I remember what someone told me a long time ago. I am in love not with any person, but with the idea of being in love. Love for me is the state of being wanted. That way my existence is not superfluous. There exists a person for whom my existence is necessary. Thus as long as the person exists, I am bound to exist. Love relieves me of the misery that my life is and allows me to romanticize my own existence. Love literally makes my world go round.
All my life I have been searching for ways to define myself. If I can define who I am. I will know myself. And why the infatuation with my own person? I believe it does not make me a narcissist. I believe there are things in this world that I will never know. I am however with myself all the time. I will be satisfied just to know myself. That way the world will be a bit less of a mystery for me.
For now however, let me talk about my world. It is a bright and gloomy place. The sun shines too brightly and everything glows. I cannot hide from it. I feel as if I am always being watched. Which is probably true. Even my darkest thoughts are laid out bare for everyone to see. It is as if I exist in a comic. When I think little balloons appear over my head that everyone who cares to see can read. But I being trapped in this 2 dimensional world can't comprehend that. I keep my doors closed and blinds drawn . Yet I feel naked and violated. Like a laboratory mice under observation and every time I do something unexpected, an old senile man with bifocals will jot it down in his notebook with a wry smile. A smile not warm and comforting for having achieved something new. But a smile of sneer and derision. As if every thing I do is no big deal. For it has already been done. Even when it hasn't been, hey I am just a laboratory rat, I am nothing of any consequence.
Today I feel like ants are crawling all over my body. Exploring my darkest deepest secrets. Secrets that even I don't know myself. I feel dead. I feel dead, thats it. I feel like I am in hell. Like God decided to send me to Hell for all my sins. I want to tell Him, No you're making a wrong judgment. Like I was framed by Destiny. There is no peace. There just is emptiness. I do not hunger, I do not tire. I do not sleep. I do not feel. Unless it is pain. Lots of it. I have no passion. I do not exist. I am not alive. I feel the ants crawling over my dead skin. Maybe I am buried. That will explain why it always is dark. I am in my own grave. I probably dug it myself.
I try fitting into the world, smile at the ready. But it no longer works like it used to, before. I got through most of my life pretending to be happy. Smiling for the pictures. It somehow no longer works anymore. Come to think of it, I never posed for that many pictures. I think that I did not even have 50 pictures taken of me. That is bad, right? I have always avoided meeting people. I am not very sure why I did that. But that is how I have always been.
Never in my life did I know that love would be so painful. For all I know, that is the only reason I can think of for the pathetic existence I lead. Love unfulfilled. Love unreciprocated. Love burning me inside out. Sometimes I cry, without tears. For no reason that I can discern. I wanted pain. It has proved to be my death-wish. I am selfish. I do not want to carry this burden. I cannot. There is no way I can. I am tired of it. I loathe it. I hate myself. I hate my thoughts. Why can't I be normal? Why can't I be happy? Why can't I be at peace?
No, there is always a multitude of voices in my head. I am sure of three voices at least. They exist because I wanted them to. I created them. Now they own me. They control me. When I created them, it seemed like a good decision. You'll never be alone, I told myself, if you talk to yourself. Now I don't know how to turn them off. They are always arguing. I don't know which one of them is me. I don't know whom to listen too. Talk about having a coterie of inept advisers. I just want to tell these guys, the following words, Fuck off. Maybe I did tell them already, but they always come back. They frigging never leave me alone. At any moment. When I do something right, I am mocked, it was no big deal. It was nothing special. When I do something wrong, they become condescending, I am only human. To err is human, after all.
It is gets harder and harder to put up a brave front, when your life is shit. That is so to say, despite all the machismo, my armies have been completely routed. Or like Germany won the frigging god-damned war. I question everyone else's existence. Do they feel like me? Do they have this much pain hiding in them? Are they in penance? Are they already in Hell? Do they know they do not exist. I have a way of making everyone else seem insignificant compared to my person. But the truth is probably the other way round. I feel I am a bad influence on other people, I am no one's hero. No one's idol. Which kinda sucks, because, it means, I won't be remembered, when I am dead. And since I am already dead, no one knows me.
I feel like a detective at my death scene. Going over small nuances, trying to recreate someone who no longer exists. Putting together scraps of information. Like listening to the songs I am listening to. But it is not actually me who is listening to them, as if it is the detective instead. Looking at the pen on my table, the unmade bed, the cigarette butts in my dustbin, the candy wrappers. My writings. My thoughts. It is as if he is on a visit to my place and I am showing around my place and telling him, hey this is me. The real me. Not the one with a fake smile who opened the door to let you in. That one has been dead so long, his body doesn't exist no more. But his thoughts live on. He exists in the piece of curled up paper, the half-drank cup of coffee, the half-burnt toast. How did I die? I like to imagine, very peacefully. In my sleep. Maybe overdosed on sleeping pills. Or I just refused to breathe one fine day. But I have this fear, that even this little wish, my last wish won't come true. Trust me I have imagined a lot of more gruesome endings for me. Maybe I have actually died every time I imagined myself dying. Every time botching up my attempt. Just trying to find the perfect way to go. Never quite getting it.
I am restless. I cannot sleep. I cannot rest. With the constant din in my mind, I wonder how I used to sleep earlier.
Every day I question myself. Why today? Why must I exist? Why must I breathe? Why must I eat? I can not answer that. I eat to exist. Food has lost all taste. I have no cravings for eating anything special. No food exists I feel, that I'll binge on. There was a time, I remember, when I loved to eat. Almost everything was my favorite. Whatever happened to that. When did I change? I do not know. It happened very slowly. I could never feel it coming. I kept deluding myself that I am the same as always. Until one day, I looked at the mirror and didn't know who was staring back. I don't know why I changed. I was happy the way I was. I was satisfied. I never wanted anything more. I was in comfort. I was protected.
I cannot fend for myself. I don't even know where to turn. All that I think, remain useless ideas. In my head. I cannot concentrate on anything at all. It is like I am being pulled in a million different directions at the same time. Like the frigging big bang actually took place in my goddamn mind.
I have lucid dreams. I now try to think of a time when I fell to the bed, tired, exhausted and happy for all that I had done in the day. But I cannot remember the last time that happened. Now when I sleep, it is no different from when I am awake, I am aware of what I am dreaming. It is like I am pretending to be sleep. From a lack of sleep comes a huge problem. I have more time on my hands than most people. Normal humans spend a third of their lives asleep. So it is like I am living longer. Hence I am getting older sooner. I have so much time, I don't know what to do with all of it. 24 hours are too many for me. So I just keep wasting time, staring at the clock. Trying to make it tick a little faster. A hour lesser to spend.
I am becoming the person that I feared I'll. What disturbs me is that, somewhere deep inside me, this is what I want to be. Dark and mysterious. Chaotic. Unfeeling and stoic.
Like I am a child's unfinished crayon drawing. That I am something the child thinks is a human. But being a child he can't draw a human. So from a very casual view, or from a far off distance, I might look human. But on a closer inspection, I am revealed to be a jumble of mis-matched cris-crossing lines and shaky curves.
How does this story end? I like to imagine. On a dark night. I am not alone. I am in someone else's arms. Finally I am happy. Finally I am whole. Finally I am alive. Then I can look back at my reflection and say. I exist.
----------------
Now playing: The Beatles - Michelle
via FoxyTunes

It is how that what I write has a certain emo feel to it. Now that is not right because that is not true. That would be because a friend once pointed out I am primarily an epicurean in hedonistic moods. Phew. Point is it is sort of lame to be writing the same kind of poems over and over again just because the quiz didn't go well or because i again got decapitated by the chainsaw freaks while playing Resident Evil 4.
It is plain wrong anyways.
So much for the emo poems, and the point is no one really reads my blog except the occasional friend as the newly installed hits counter on my blog would readily testify.
But the point is that this is a long term project and its not like once I grow old I would grow a beard and pray 5 times a day and stop blogging, quite the contrary.
I am quite sure that I am going to burn in hell. Resigned to the fact I am. Unless God is in a particularly jolly mood on Judgement Day and I go like Hey God know that one about the hooker the priest and the leprechuan who enter the Latino bar, and he goes no way Basit I have no idea, and I come up with the best one liner in all of human history, my fate is already clear to me. If only because God knows everything so he knows my perfect one liner already. Even if I do tell him, it'd be like Shut up I heard that one years ago. To his Governors in Hell he then says Double the brime temperature Ye! Make sure his bottoms are cooked raw. Or something like that. But that doesn't really scare me. To me it is all because of my end semester exams. I end up not studying and I know that I am on the borderline of failing so I tell myself not to worry not to worry, Jab hoga dekha jayega. So I have the same to say about what the future has in store for me.
Anyways the idea of a wrathful god and to look upon him as someone to be feared is something I have never really managed to grasp. Call me names all you will the so called defenders of the faith, but I am not scared of God, and why should I be. I doubt if David was ever scared of Michaelangelo or Mona Lisa of Vinci. Or for the sake of argument I wonder if dynamite ever get scared of Alfred Nobel. Okay not quite the point anyways.
What bothers me are the profusion of pages that litter the net and are little more than garbage yet have millions of hits unlike my petty blog. I am specifically referring to all the dumb CAPSLOCK or aLtCaPs blondes on Myspace or such who actually are fat greasy nerds or their fatter greasier and hairier fathers who need to desperately get a life. If only I had a chainsaw.... I would have had my sweet sweet revenge.
Anyways, I had a chat yesterday with a junior of mine and we were reminiscening the good old valuable innocent days. He mentioned about me as someone who always spoke the truth and had drooping eyes with girls falling for them all over.
So let me clarify I still retain those sexy drooping eyes and once I have had a smoke or two to go with it lemme tell you babe that they get all the more enchanting. So the fact that I don't have a girlfriend completely defies all logic. Anyways that might just change in the near future so we'll see what happens then. About the good innocent boy I once was. RIP.
Unfortunately he wasn't built for the trials and tribulations of life. It was anyways a high maintainance model that would only drink mineral water to mention a fact. The current attitude suits me mighty fine but I would adapt again if I need to. If only because of natural selection.
I never know how to end something. Goes for my answers also. I don't really have the capacity to end something I started to say. So generally I let it drift with the issues hanging in cold air.
I am so doing that right now.
In fact just now here.
This is it.
The End.
Goodbye.

Where do we go now?

Where do we go now. I can't concentrate !!!!! The first semester is passing right infront of my eyes and I am making the same mistakes as before, I just can see the events happening in the same as the last semester and I am really scared, I have this feeling of deja vu whenever I miss a class or waste time or do something I should be doing, for instance blogging when I should be studying for my exams. This is insane and suicidal. I mean doing something which is gonna hurt. At this point my only aim in life is to make my CPI "decent". You might wanna ask What is a decent CPI? I would quote Tona a fellow blogger(www.arvindkothari.blogspot.com) who would probably be the first to read this " What is a decent CPI? It is just a bit more than whatever is the max you think you can achieve not because its unattainable, but on the contrary it is what you should be aiming for, because you deserve no lesser. " (That I hope was the gist of what he said. And Tona I do listen sometimes to what others are sayin' , for a change!!)
I am just not working as hard as I can. First I go to the Lib and get distracted there owing to the huge crowd which is actually trying very hard to study. Then I decide to stay in my room and study and all I do is to try to complete the 19 albums of Black Sabbath that I have and the 4 Ozzy albums. I am working very hard, about this you can be quite sure.
My roomie has almost given up on me, I am missing classes insubjects with weightage to attendance even when I have the opinion that it is a mortal sin to lose out a mark that I shouldl not be.
Okay this served its purpose I think I will concentrate better now.

Till doubt assails again
Basit

Its a bird,its a blog......its a superblog
blogs r for humans.for metahumans u need superblogs.
my first metahumans were Indian.i started with nagraj,bhokaal,parmanu,doga(who like punisher isn't really a meta human but his guns do all the talking),dhruv(his intelligence and razor-sharp intelligence make up for his lack of meta powers,though he has trained himself in the language of animals all of which r his friends,he can breathe in water but that is a gift from his pseudo-atlantis friends,but he really has no superpowers).
i discovered spiderman sorta suddenly.i mean i just woke up one day and i knew who spidermanwas.ok i m trying to joke.
but i did pick up the foreigners quite fast.
nyhow i was quite glued to the english cartoons that i grew up watching.
i discovered almost all the meta-humans within a period of three to four years.
this reminds me of an interesting incident.
i was once reading about amazon warriors.
so i discovered that they always had problems with archery as u have to pull the string back and release the string.the string always tended to get obstructed by their bosoms(which by then i was sure were quite ample,at least generally)and in the worst cases they suffered serious injuries.a taut high tension wire can be a really effective gulliotine.it also hampered the speed of the amazon warriors.the mechanical engineer in me tells me that cross-bows can be effective solution for this problem.
however such a story would be very ineffective and plainly very plain and mythologies aren't remembered for the technological advances.so what they actually did was to find a origional solution without changing the state of technology.
yes u'r thinking in the right direction......they actually amputated their right breasts!!!!
so when i came to know about wonder-woman i was actually quite eager to see her pic as i imagined an amazonian warrior who should be looking sorta peculiar.
but needless to say i was let down.
she actually looks quite normal...well she is gorgeous but we're'n't supposed to notice that.
nyhow back to the topic.
i hate superman and sachin tendulkar(for the uninitiated he is 1 of the greatest indian batsmen of all times and the highest run getter too in cricket his batting average is phenomenal and his presence is like the talisman of our team we always play better when he is in good spirits.)for much the same reasons.firstly in this world of greys the are two all good and noble guys.no hidden skeletons in their closets.
secondly they make the justice league and the indian cricket team seem superflous and unnecessary.
thirdly their failure destroys the team morale and guys like flash and kaif have hardly any chance when the biggie fails.
batman is a guy i always admire not because he has to rely on his guts and whatever
but because he is always so composed.
i however always find spidey to be the best guy,and that's simply because he has to face all those heavy odds and make it to his date by overcoming the baddies and mind his baddies are very bad.but he always will make it good coz dandruff and self-doubt and room-rent are his biggest troubles.and because the guy has a real sense of humor
and he keeps a monologue on while facing any1 no matter however much strong that guy
is.
and i absolutely adore samurai jack(he is a character on cartoon network).i love the artwork of the cartoon,its very straight lines kinda and seemingly immaturishly done.
the pictures don't convey the strength of tekken or dragonball-z,but there is a vulnerability all over the place.
jack is a warrior par excellence and he can never be defeated.
but he has an enemy a very powerful and almost indestructible dragon(aku should be the probable spelling of his name) who rules over almost the whole world.he can only
be defeated by the sword that samurai jack has who is also his gravest opponent,the only one that aku can never defeat at the same time aku has sent sam j to the future,
a world in which all technological advances co-exist with ancient wisdom.
sam j roams the world trying to find a way to return to his time,but he has immaculate morals and his dedication and all those good values we were taught about
in morals classes and forgot all about them soon enough.
he is the definition of bravery in the face of overwhelming odds.
he never complains,is serious,doesn't speak much,but that doesn't make him arrogant.
he is the perfect killing machine,but he doesn't kill for fun,only in self-defense.
so i have been raving 'bout the guy for what seems like hours of typing time.
but he fully deserves it.
i think i covered all my major metahumans.
just a little note on the martian manhunter.i like the guy to the point that i sympathise with him.
he is the underloved underdog the guy who always gets ignored, but that doesn't make
him any lesser than the talked about guys.
some food for thought this.

ME MYSELF AND IIT K


so here i am listenin to green day, maroon 5,eminem,clapton,axle rose,dire straits,avril,bon jovi,metallica,coldplay, u2, santana(what i really wanna say is that i have,as i feel a very good and varied taste in music)and composing a below standard blog.
but at least i m being honest.
so i'll write about the things i like, i like music i like good movies i like good computer games but unfortunately i don't still have a nvidia card so i haven't really played the top end games.
but i will do that soon. i like good novels i like gossiping i like good food and resting on my bed listening to avril or clapton or if i am feelin gnr metallica or nirvana but that is only generally when i have no better songs to listen to.i find dire straits blue oyster cult and black sabbath hard to follow i just have a few songs of them on my to listen to.
and i will write about things that i don't like.
of course every1 likes to grumble and i m no exception.
i hate my insti not because i find the courseload very high but because i haven't done nything remarkable here. hey i jus want a little fame.
and i m eccentric and i happen to be aware of this fact.
i will do things that hurt me in the long as well as short runs and i will have no reasons for it.
but of course this is a basit hates the world blog and not basit hates basit blog.
so more on that later.
i hated hp6 immensely i boughtit the day it was released but man the book really stinks.
i mean had it not been for the fact that it is a hp book i doubt it would have been the success its been.
i hate seven the movie for the fact that gwyneth dies and it was a very logical end.
i love its my life by bon jovi

lets sing a song for the broken hearted
a silent prayer for faith departed
and i am gonna be just a face in the crowd
u gonna hear my voice
when i shout it out loud
its my life
its now or never
and i ain't gonna live forever
i jus wanna live my life........

i hate the hindi movies bcoz they're just too long.
i hate the courses that i am takin except for intro to man pro
and not just bcoz its name rhymes but bcoz the course makes me feel like
i m really a mech engg coz that's what i am gonna be.
i hate ragging but even more than that i hate the graveness (in my opinion not truly heartfelt)
with which the admin deals with it.
where were the people, the protectors of the ragged, the cynosure of scared fresher eyes when we were being ragged i mean intro'd ?
let things be but that never happens here.
were in the world do students get time to do things of their choice even if it is reading about chaos theory when they have classes from 8 to 6 (10 hours n i 'm not joking)?
and the things we are taught about ?
don't even get me started about them.
or about the profs ?
of course some are really brilliant profs but what about the rest?
or about the fact that i am rubbish when it comes to outdoor sports.
whoops all this grumbling got me carried away.
the good stuff follows now:
i love the place
i was meant to be here
i have discovered many good frnds here
i am not really eccentric
i am lovin the bloggin feelin
i discovered good music movies and books here.
i enjoy the feeling u get by attending all the classes and being able to understand whatever
is being said.
i love eating whatever f*** they serve in the mess and the canteens
i love night-outs wasting my time doin things like blogging or some such crap
or just discussing things with friends.
i love my hp comp
an i like the company too.
i might just apply for a job there
ny how i haven't yet named my insti bcoz revealing personal info on the net is foolish
but evry1 who knows me knows that i am a student of iit kanpur.
and i am proud of the fact that i got thru the jee.
i love evrything associated with me.
especially things i will be associated for but a brief period like my insti.
i love the air of the place , the bad climate ,the people that one day i'll know no more,the courses i hate , the instuctors i despise the teachers i idolise,my senoirs my juniors ,complaning of the lack of girls in the place ragging freshers then becoming frndly with them the way my seniors did.
the juniors actually respecting you when you behave humanely and talk the way u wished to be adderessed during our ragging.
the seniors sharing their experiences about the courses and the profs.
downloading and listening to the songs that i like.
gossiping the night away while also trying to manage the assignments.
using ms outlook to organise your tasks
watching classy movies listening to pink floyd.
and doing absolutely foolish stuff like creating this senseless blog when i should have been
asleep getting ready for a 10 to 6 day
but i think i can sleep at six and wake up by 8:30 to nine and still live to see more days in my life.
but this is really late or in some sense too early so now i am shutting up my shop .
if u happen to come across my ravings do comment.
i will be awaitin.
i have a feelin that i am not the only crapper on the blog space
i love "the who"
i love "pink floyd"
i love who and what i am coz this is what i would be had i been given a choice.